Another reason I feel liking myself more would help me to find lovers is that there would be more room in my life for others. (Right now I am so wrapped up in self-pity and other negative patterns, there isn’t really room for another. (Selfish and self-centered.)) (During my marriage a lot of the problem was that I was too selfless, and didn't assert my needs and humanity. Now I have gone to the other extreme. (There has to be a place in between!))
9-8-86
(6pm) I got the book copied today and sent them to Carrie and Samantha. (It will be interesting to hear what they have to say.)
(8pm) Erica popped in and said hi. (She says her trip up to Canada was great. (Nice.))
I have got about 20 poems started, but I can't seem to finish them.
(11pm) Listening to the rainfall is a pleasure.
Oh yes, Reggie greeted me once with, "Hello trouble." (?) (It has been so long since someone who I have been interested in, has seemed interested in me, that I am a bit mystified.)
(Midnite) I think I had better slow down on my coffee consumption. (I got pretty well wired up today. (Oh well, have some more beer, and I will find sleep soon.))
(7am) I didn't want to wake up this morning. (Oh well, get wired up on coffee again.)
(Noon) I love giving and sharing with giving people. (I suppose I should also feel good when I give to takers and users, but it don't. (Something else to work on.))
I just wrote another, somewhat less hostile, letter to my ex. (Maybe this one will get a response?)
(6pm) Boring day.
Oh yes, Samantha commented that I shouldn't be looking for women in bars. She says, when she has picked up guys in a bar it was just for a nite, and she seldom considered them for anything more. (I don't know, it might be nice to find some loving for a nite, now and then.) (She says I should join clubs and to take classes. (The problems I see with that are:
1. I am more likely to open up after I have had a few drinks. (I have yet to meet anyone at meetings or classes, who became a friend, let alone a lover. (I am just too quiet then, and no one even notices that I am there.))
2. I am more likely to find women whose lifestyles are similar to mine at the bar.
3. My experience is the opposite of Samantha's. (The only lover I met in a bar was my ex; but that is where I met all my women friends.)))
(Oh well, I haven't figured out how to behave yet, so it's really a pointless discussion. (Or, as Erica has suggested, do I know what I am supposed to do, and just don't do it? (Maybe everything I need is already with me, and is blocked from my conscious mind by my fears?)))
(11pm) Quiet nite of tv.