I got a letter from Erica also. (It sounds like she is doing great still. (Good for her.))
One of my big uncertainties about getting involved in a long term relationship now is, how would I know I was getting involved because it was someone I really wanted to be with, and not just to escape being alone and celibate? (I think that first I need to become happy with alone and able to like myself. Then learn to become happy with single life and a variety of lovers. Then worry about long term. (Make any sense?))
Carrie commented about chasing guys who are good looking and dumb. (Maybe that is a good combination for a fuck, but if you have to spend time with them out of bed too, a dumb partner would get to me before long. (I prefer good looking, intelligent, independent, and extraverted.)-(Maybe someday I will learn to appreciate women who I don't want to be with except in bed, but I am not there yet.)-(I would rather change so I was someone that the women I like and build friendships with also consider as a lover, and so that I am open to them as lovers.))
I think I will have to overcome feeling sorry for myself before I will ever find a lover. (Loving is play time, and I have to be up for it to happen. (As long as I continue to be down so much, I am just not fun to play with.))
(4am) Time to look for sleep.
(1pm) Laundry time once more.
While I still feel that starting with friendship is right for me, in my quest for friends and lovers, I have to change before I can build any new friendships. (I have enjoyed my women friends, but I need to find a way of behaving, so that some of the new friends I find are interested in more than platonic relationships.) (Clues:
1. Kate's feeling that nice guys are boring and jerks are fun. (How does one behave in order to be somewhere in between?) (A way where I will be liked by women and still be someone they want to play with.) (I suppose a lot of that has to do with learning to be comfortable with intimacy and overcoming my self hate.) (And getting in touch with my intuitive side. (I have a feeling that a lot of sexual chemistry is rooted at unconscious levels, and it will require shutting off my habit of analyzing moments, to open that door.))
2. The "too nice to f" comments I have heard from so many women. (As Erica pointed out, my women friends feel that to be my lover would be to risk hurting me and losing my friendship.) (My one-woman man image is going to have to disappear. (Ditto, for all my talk about "sexual monogamy".))
(5pm) I got my shopping done. (I even treated myself to some new clothes and music.)
(10pm) I watched "Pee Wee's great adventure" tonite. (Funny flick!)
I got some new music today by the Talking Heads. (I enjoy them.)