I had breakfast at 4-B's again this morning, and had another nice visit with Reggie. (She says she didn't burn my card, and that she even showed it to her roommate. (?))
9-7-86
(2am) The trip back was nice, and then I took myself down to the Top Hat. (The music and girl watching are still great.)
I also dropped in Corky's for a bit.
A regular girlfriend would be nice, but I just don't feel I am ready for that kind of commitment yet. (As Ron, Erica, and Carrie say, it's time for me to forget about commitment and come to terms with intimacy. (I think the first steps back towards intimacy are to find some way to overcome my self-hate, learn to trust more easily, and develop some social skills.)) (When my mom checked out mentally, I was 14. At that point I was maybe 10-12 emotionally and I don’t seem to have progressed much past that point yet. (I am childish, in a number of ways.) (I suppose the next step is to work through puberty on the emotional level and learn to deal with social and intimate experiences.))
I got a letter from Carrie. (It sounds like she is still enjoying California.)
She commented in this letter about feeling bad about mistreating her body. (She has consumed much; but as long as I have known her, she has always taken care to eat well, sleep enough, and to get exercise. (She doesn't hate herself as much as she sometimes thinks she does.))
She says she enjoys the new music. (I am glad!)
She questions my use of the word "impotent" in talking about my problem with sexuality. (I always seem to have a problem coming up with the "right" word to use.) (I function okay with masturbation and prostitutes, but I am too afraid to form a normal sexual relationship. (What is the "right" term for that?))
I asked her about the series of Doonesbury cartoons that dealt with the new law in Santa Barbara regarding the homeless. (She says something needed to be done about that problem there, and that people need to take responsibility for themselves and their choices. (I would agree.) (I question whether giving away handouts are a solution, or just reinforcing dependency. (But, our society has structured itself so that people are almost encouraged to be dependent. (One of today's major problems is the way so many people are locked into addictive patterns, of all sorts!)))) (?) (Who knows what the answer is?)
She also commented that her move to Santa Barbara hasn't really changed her. (I think the only journey that can lead one to new ways is an inward one. (In order to unlock the old conditioning and responses, moving to a new place isn't going to change much. (e.g., I hang out in about the same kinds of places, live in a not dissimilar apartment, and meet people with similar lifestyles as I did in Bozeman. (Until I travel inwards far enough to change my self hate to self like, to find the ability to trust more easily, to be able to overcome my fear of intimacy, …; there will be no major changes in my life.))))
I got a letter from Hunter too. (He is burned out on Milwaukee, and is trying to decide what to do next. (He says the options he is considering are the Coast Guard, the Caribbean, and going to LA to live with his brother there.))