Although I have come to terms with the reality that Erica will be no more than a special friend and that it would have been smarter to chase Carrie; I still enjoy her company. (As a result I find myself sitting at home in case she calls. (Or, at least that is the conscious reason for it.) (I would rather spend a couple minutes with her, than get laid by just about anyone else I have met in the last five years! (I felt the same way when I lived in Bozeman, about Carrie and Samantha!))-(It has taught me to become more and more comfortable with myself, so I think it's good!))
9-4-86
(5am) I slept from ten to four, and now I can't get back to it. (Oh well.)
(7am) Now I am getting sleepy. (I went to bed early last nite, so I would be rested today for work; but it didn't work out quite like I planned it.)
Maybe, rather than spending money fixing up my home, I should have spent it on therapy? (I thought by making my home a nicer place to be, people might want to spend time there; but I suppose it isn’t the decor that keeps people away. (Then again, I haven't spent time in bars to meet people to invite over.)) -I suppose it's time to invest a few thousand hours in bars. (I suppose it's bad of me to need so much time to meet people; but I am just not confident enough, talkative enough, attractive enough, rich enough, mature enough, fun enough, independent enough, …, to meet people quickly.)
Puzzle: Isn’t liking myself a rationalization for avoiding intimacy? Is my fear of intimacy a rationalization for not liking myself? (Or, are they two totally separate factors that I have to come to terms with?)
I will have to think of a new topic to study now.
I have been thinking that I need to acquire some new skills. (I am pretty good at what I do, but I am tired of numbers. (Maybe it's just this job and its unique problems?)) (I seem to hit unemployment with some regularity, and it always seems to be six months to a year in between jobs. (It would be good to find something that is easy to find work in, while I am looking for the next accounting job. (And, to do part time on the side when I do have an accounting job.)-(e.g., learn how to bartend or to be a carpenter.)))
I am making two copies of the book. (I am going to send one to Carrie and one to Samantha, to get some input. (The things I see wrong with it are:
1. Too many poems.
2. Too many quotes.
3. Too little dialogue.
4. To little sex.)-
(The title now is "Outlaws and Poets". (In short, it's too much poet now, and not enough outlaw.))) (I am trying to get Carrie to loan me my letters to her, so I can fill in some things that are in them and not in the journal.)
9-5-86
(7am) I slept better last nite. (Nice.)