I still can't deal with the idea of making first moves. (Oh well, I am looking for someone who is an extravert, so maybe it's okay? (A relationship between two introverts sounds pretty boring!))
9-3-86
(1am) A fellow got on the bus in Helena today and we talked the whole way in about poetry, psychology, women, …. (Nice visit.)
After checking into the motel I went over to Samantha's and we caught a buzz.
We went to the Paw and shot some pool. (She is juggling three lovers right now, and she has been partying a bunch. (It sounds like she is having a great summer! (Good for her!))) (Nice nite!)
(7am) Tis 4-B's time again.
I wonder if I will ever stop thinking of all other men as better than myself? (That is why I always lose any competition with other men. (I don't bother to try.)) (Until I stop feeling that women are all better off with someone else, I am not going to find any loving. (There is usually some element of competition in establishing a relationship with a woman, and when another man appears in her life, I step aside and accept defeat.)) (Why I feel so worthless, and why I accept the punishment of life without touching and companionship; I don't fully understand. (Or is that all just a way of rationalizing my inability to deal with intimacy? (So confusing.))) (And, that attitude spills over into lots of other aspects of life. (e.g., if everyone else is better than I am, why should anyone hire me for a job?))
One aspect of having women friends that has bothered me is the times when their beaus have gotten jealous. (Catching shit for things I am not doing annoys me.) (I may not feel I am good enough to be anyone's lover; but I do feel I deserve some companionship!)
(Noon) I suppose I should try and find some way to stop digressing into worrying about finding lovers. (I am just not good enough for women yet; and I am going to have to do a lot of maturing, healing, growing, …, before anyone who interests me finds me desirable. (Right now, I think I would be mostly a burden and dependent if I did find a girlfriend and that isn’t fair to anyone.))
One positive thing I have noticed is that I seem to be becoming more and more comfortable with alone and myself. (Once I come to terms with alone and accept myself as a good person, I think being with others will return to my life.) (I wish I could get there faster, but it's a slow process.)
(9pm) After work today, I went to the Cannery with Ron, bs'd and watched him play the poker machines.
(10pm) I am pooped. (Tis time to look for sleep once more.)