Another of my defenses is ignoring lust. (I have gotten into a lot of trouble with that in the past and I have yet to fall in serious lust with a woman who my women friends approve of.) (Maybe the answer isn't ignoring lust, but learning to look behind it a bit, to see if there is anything else there?) (There is no way to approach relationships which is risk free; so, whatever I follow, I have to start risking before anything is going to transpire.) (I am at least a little in lust with all my women friends, so it isn’t a totally invalid factor. (Sometimes I meet and fall for some really special women!))
(Noon) I suppose not liking myself, is also a defense mechanism. (It sure turns women off fast.)
Another interesting book.
I think a lot of what George and Nena O'Neill say is valid, and much is what
I have already thought about; but I suppose overcoming my conditioning, and getting it on
the gut level is going to take time. (Continue tearing myself apart and putting myself
back together again.)
(6pm) I have to find some way to make enough money to get back out on the street.
7-2-86
(8am) I spend the rest of last nite contemplating the advantages of scrapping the concept of "sexual monogamy". (What else is there to do on a quiet summer's evening?) (Thoughts that came to mind were:
1. I don't think I will get laid often with that philosophy. (Tis taking sex far too seriously, and has more to do with my defense mechanisms than anything.)
2. The concept of "sexual monogamy" doesn't fit the reality of being human beings.
3. The concept of "sexual monogamy" doesn't fit the women I enjoy being with.
4. If I built a non-sexually monogamous long-term relationship with a woman who wants kids, she could turn to another lover to supply the seed.
5. I can’t deal with jealous women and I hate the jealous part of myself. (Scraping the concept of "sexual monogamy" forces everyone to come to terms with that emotion.) (I don't consider myself a very jealous person; but I do notice its bite now and then. (I’ll have to continue working on that!)-(Scrapping the concept of "sexual monogamy" would help me to finish burying that emotion, and provide me with reassurance that I wouldn't have to fear jealous rages aimed at me. (I used up all of my capacity to endure jealous rages during my marriage.)))
(9am) The neighbor kids were sweet last nite. (They brought me some cherries.) (I try to visit a bit with them each day.) (I think that, when they act mean towards me, they are just trying to get attention. (Tis sad, but a lot of kids only get attention when they are bad. (Which is why I ignore them when they are bad. (Reinforce the times they are good, and ignore the bad.))))
(6pm) Tis sun tanning time.
(10pm) Quiet evening.
I worry sometimes that I am spending too much time alone now; but for nine years I was rarely allowed to be alone. (And, a lot of what I have to do now is to become content within myself, so that others will be content with me. (That requires time alone.))
(11pm) I got a call from Kate today. (She still thinks I should move to Seattle.) (She had her baby last week. (A girl.))