I am back to thinking Wallace isn't helpful in unraveling my problem; but maybe that is just running away again?
(11am) Quotes:
George and Nena O'Neill-"... the ideals of open
marriage are: intimacy, intensity, creativity, spontaneity, growth, respect,
responsibility, learning, stimulation, flexibility, enrichment, freedom, and the liking
and love that grow out of all of these."
Note from the ozone: Could the reason that Church and State condition us for "closed marriage" be that they wish to encourage dependency and suppress growth?
(4pm) Erica stopped by and helped me to move a load of my stuff over to the new apartment. (She gave me a plant as a house warming present.) (Friends are neat!)
(5pm) The neighbor kids have decided that running up to my door and spitting into my apartment and throwing rocks and garbage in through my windows are fun things to do. (?) (I wish the place had some screens. (One more reason for moving.))
6-30-86
(7am) T. G. I. Payday.
(3pm) My hand is cramped and sore from copying quotes from "Open marriage" into four letters. (I think writing helps to load the information more deeply into my unconscious mind, so it's worth the pain.) (After I finish reading this book, I think I will leave the area of non-fiction for awhile. (Let my unconscious mind play around with what I have just loaded into it for awhile, before consuming more information.))
I worry sometimes about all the self-analysis I do in letters, but it does help to have people with whom I can be open and honest, and talk about my troubles with. (Since I try to be honest about myself with them, I feel it's okay to be honest about what I see in them. (Hopefully it’s helpful.) (e.g., what I have seen in Carrie, behind all her masks, is a good woman who is looking for love, a mother with lots of love to give (If she chooses to have children, I think they will be lucky kids.), and a little girl who is very much afraid of being hurt. (I don't know if telling her what I have seen has helped her, but maybe.)))
I keep trying to be honest with myself; but each time I tear away another mask I am never sure if I have found what is really underneath or just another mask. (Maybe it's impossible to ever strip away all the masks?)
I feel sad sometimes that Carrie and I were never lovers; but, when it comes down to it, she gave me what I needed at the time (And what I still need.), by being a friend and helping me to learn that all women aren't shrews. (Tis nice knowing that being with a woman can mean joy.)
(8pm) Note from the ozone: I wonder if switching from glasses to contacts has more to do with an unconscious understanding that glasses get in the way of eye contact and sexual chemistry, than with vanity?