I am sure there are times and places when one nite stands are not only okay, but a good and healthy way for two people to play and share together. (One song on the new Starship album says it well, but I still prefer Bob Seger's version of that story.) (There is a lot of risk involved with those games, and right now I am not sure it would be good for me to risk associating more pain with sex.) (For now, I think I need to move slowly and try to find situations where the odds are better that the moment will be fun and pleasurable, instead of fighting and pain.) (If I had had mostly good times associated with sex, it would probably be easier for me to risk, but right now I am not up to taking chances.) (Give myself some more time to heal.)
(Noon) I got a letter from Samantha. (She is still doing well. (Good for her.))
Why is it that some people only care about pleasing themselves and don't take the time to please their lovers? (Seems silly to me. (And like a good way to miss out on some of the best parts of sex. (I know I enjoy the look, feel, smell, sounds, …, of a woman's orgasm.))) (Loving comes so seldom to my bed, I try to make sure my lovers are glad they are there.)
(5pm) Sun tanning time again. (Neat.)
6-28-86
(Midnite) Erica stopped by and visited for a bit. (That was nice.) (I do love her company. (I just wish I was someone whose company she enjoyed.))
This is a comfortable couch. (Perfect for napping.) (I do have a tendency to drift towards couch potato syndrome.) (Twas a gift from Billie. (I think that a part of her hated to part with it. (Lots of neat memories can be stored up in a piece of furniture.)) Thanks again Billie.)
Erica wanted to know if I was on shrooms tonite. (No.) (I was home and with a good friend; and I was pretty far out of my shell. (I have to find some way to be more relaxed and more myself, in a wider variety of situations and with more people.))
(1pm) Well, I got my chores out of the way. (Such fun.)
I have to work on untangling some of my "Catch 22's". (e.g., I believe I need to approach friends and lovers by starting with friendships; but I am afraid to take a friendship on to the friends and lovers stage for fear of losing a friend. (The two affairs I have had since the divorce, were with friends, and it caused problems both times. (One friendship is gone completely and the other is still not the same.)) (Billie asked me once why she and I weren't lovers, and I told her, "Why screw up a perfectly good friendship?" (Actually, she was always too busy chasing other guys that she never had time for me. (e.g., one nite she invited me to a 60's dance they were having at the Eagles. As soon as we walked in the door, she was off dancing with someone else, and I didn't see her again for three days.))))
(6pm) Well, I laid out in the sun for a few hours and played zombie sun tanning. (That felt good.)