I think another problem with going to Flippers was that I viewed it as a chance to be with Erica, and she viewed it as a way for me to meet others. (I did meet a few people, but their clientele is mostly men and I prefer the company of women. (Erica is still getting pissed at me about that preference.) (I may not be capable of sexuality, but time with women is beautiful to me and I think they have had a lot to do with what little growth I have accomplished so far. (For example, I have come from dreading the companionship of women, to cherishing it.)) (I am a bit pissed at her now. (This whole thing started out of comments I made in letters before I moved to Missoula, that I didn't expect to see much of her after I moved her and her saying she would see me lots. (When I moved here I set a policy of only seeing her when she invited me or came by. (I enjoy her company and was afraid that I would make a nuisance of myself if it was left up to me.)-(Then she talked me into coming to Flippers whenever I wanted; so I did, on the condition that she let me know if it was too much and got in the way of her life. (But she didn't tell me, when it did, and let it boil up inside until she just couldn't stand it anymore. (I wish people would communicate, instead of holding stuff inside until they blow up!)))))) (Carrie was about the only person in Bozeman I felt comfortable dropping in on any time. (I knew if she had time for me she would give it freely; and, if she didn't, she would tell me to come back another time.))
Erica is also still real pissed because I am not spontaneous. (The child inside of me has been hurt, I am slow to trust, I analyze the shit out of everything, and I do plan things out to try and avoid more pain. (I wish I could overcome that, but I just can't cope with more pain now, and I have to protect myself.) (I know there have been times in the last few years when I would have found lovers, if I had just flowed with the moment. (By the time I finished analyzing the moment trying to decide if it was safe to let the child out to play, the moment was always long gone.)) (I know I should be different, but I can't bring myself to do it.))
And, she gave me a variation of the "too nice to f" speech I have heard so often, from so many women: ("I feel that you do have too many emotional problems and I would never be with someone who I felt that I could hurt easily.") (My behavior does pretty much eliminate all potential for sex ever happening. (e.g., being known as a "one woman man" is a great defense mechanism.) (Tis sad because, if all of my women friends had done me once a year, I would have had an active sex life the last few years and I might have healed enough by now to consider a long-term relationship. (Instead I am further away from even one-nite stands than when I got a divorce.)) (Until I can find some way to become someone who women aren't afraid of hurting, I will never get better and sexuality will never return to my life! (But how is it done?))
(11pm) Another nite of typing.
Enough work for one day.
6-27-86
(8am) What I have been able to piece together about "mutuality" is that each couple has to write up a contract that sets out a relationship which fits them and leaves room enough for each to grow.