(Noon) Last nite was another busy one of typing. (That is sure a pleasant pastime.) (The only bad part so far was when the "t" flew out of the typewriter and hit me in the nose. (Annoying.))
(11pm) Quiet nite of typing.
I wonder if I will be able to see the moon from my new apartment? (I hope so.)
6-25-86
(9pm) Erica called and visited for a bit.
6-26-86
(9am) I got into some wine last nite. (Now my head feels like shit.)
I think moving to Missoula has been good for me so far. (It has helped me to put an end to my dream about Erica being more than a friend. (Realistically, it was a pretty foolish dream all along, and I probably used it more to keep other women at a distance, than anything else.)) (Keep meeting strangers and building friendships. (I think I should look for women who remind me of Carrie, rather than one’s who remind me of Erica. (I was closer to Carrie than I am to Erica, and would have stood a lot better chance of building a long-term relationship with Carrie than with Erica.))
(7pm) Nice sun tanning session.
Erica dropped a long letter.
I had been seeing in her eyes, for some time now, that she wasn't happy to see me and that I was becoming bothersome to her; so I wrote in my last letter to her that I was going to go back to only seeing her when I was invited. (She says that I am not a bother, but that I have been dependent and I am getting in the way of her fun. (Isn't that being a bother?)) (From other things she says here, I would say that mentioning Carrie's comment about Erica taking care of me did bother her.)
Erica has always been easy to keep at a distance. (All I have to do is to chase her a little, now and then; and she runs.)-(I suppose another part of my problem is to figure out how to stop turn women off. (First though I will have to learn to like myself, give myself permission to find joy, and find some way to break the association of sex with death and pain, and create an association of sex with pleasure. (My mom dying about the same time as I lost my virginity, and the constant attacks I endured from my ex; conditioned me to fear sex.))-(It would take someone with a lot of patience and caring to get close to me now, and that isn’t fair to anyone.))