(7am) One reason I invested a lot of my money in my home was feeling that more people might want to spend time with me, if my home was nicer; but I suppose that really doesn't have much to do with finding companionship. (I am just not someone who people enjoy being around for long. (I need to work on fixing me up, so I am someone people do enjoy being with.))
In trying to help cheer me up when I have been depressed, a lot of people have told me about how beautiful the world is; but that misses the point. (I know it's beautiful, I just don't feel I am good enough for it. (That is part of why I tend to sit at home, and not allow myself much joy.)-(There is a part of me that keeps saying that I am not good enough and don't deserve any joy.)) (I won't be able to work out intimate relationships with women, unless/until I learn to like myself enough to feel I deserve the joys to be found in companionship and loving.)
(2pm) I suppose Erica is right about me needing to stay away from people, until/unless I am able to work through my problems. (I shouldn't be going around depressing others. (That isn’t fair to anyone!)-(Tis my problem, and if I can't overcome, I deserve to be alone.))
Richard commented the other nite that he thought I was getting in the way of Erica having fun. (She hasn't been happy to see me lately!)-(I enjoy her company, but I think I am becoming a bother and depressing her!)-(Tis time to give her space, and only see her when she stops by or calls!)
(7pm) Well, I suppose I should talk about Saturday nite. (I went to the Hat and enjoyed the music and girl watching. (I tried to remember to smile and keep my body language; but I was still too afraid to ask anyone to dance.)) (About 1am Erica came in, said hi, and told me to wait there for her. I waited around until the music ended, but she hadn't showed up. I walked over to Corky's, and ran into her there. She said hi again, told me to wait there for her and she split again. I didn't see her again until the next day. (?))
I am going to stop going to Flippers so much. (My intuition tells me there is a problem. (I keep saying I need to listen to it, so I will this time.))
Tonite I laid out and caught some more rays and then rearranged the furniture. (I had had the sectional couch pushed together, and I moved the pieces apart. (I have been playing couch potato too much, so now I can't.))
(8pm) Quotes:
Dr. Ruth-"What woman wants to hear a man talk
about his kids when he should be concentrating on her?" (Or on anything else, for
that matter.)-(People need to work on being with each other and enjoying the moment
together, instead of worrying about themselves all the time! (Learn to suspend some
moments outside of concerns of the past and future and just live in the now. (Be
spontaneous. Be playful.)))
I have collected a lot of women friends over the years by being a good listener. (I seem to have lost the knack here lately though.)
(11pm) Erica and Dell stopped by. (She brought me a typewriter. (I suppose it's time I stopped talking about typing all this shit up, and actually do something about it.)-(Since I can't think of a novel to write, I will type up my journal and my letters to Erica and Carrie. (It will be a weird book, but it's all I can think of to do.)))