6-18-86
(Midnite) I have spent the last hour searching for the prologue to the journal that I wrote on shrooms last summer, but no luck. (Who knows where it went too.)
(3pm) Busy day.
(9pm) I have been blaming the lack of poetry writing on spending too much time with numbers and machines. (Maybe it left because I need to make some changes? (I have just about fully explored romanticism, self-pity, and cynicism; and now it's time to find some new roads to explore.)-(When poets stop changing, they stop being poets.)-(I have had the feeling, for some time now, that I am just turning the same words around into slightly different shapes.)-(Tis time to explore liking myself, to bury self-pity, and to search for new ways!))
(11pm) I picked up a ream of paper and some liquid paper today, so I am ready for typing.
Tonite I started reading the journal. (I don't know if this is at all publishable. (Or am I just making excuses again?)) (Maybe I need to think of a theme, find some imagination, and start a novel?) (Richard suggested overcoming self-pity as a good theme; but how can I write about that, when I can't overcome my own?)
6-19-86
(Midnite) Poetry just stopped by and paid me a visit. (Weird.)
I wonder how much being too sensitive and insecure had to do with the decrease in my poetry writing? (Thinking back, it started slowing down right after that professor told me it wasn't poetry. (Will I ever stop letting other people define me?))
(7am) I wonder if there is any way that I could stop myself before I speak and edit out anything that reflects self-pity or that might depress others? (It would make my speech even more stilted than it already is until it became habit; but I have to stop bumming out others!)
(8am) I listened to the Doors tune "Five to one" last nite. (My interpretation of
the song is that it's political, and that they are putting forth the proposition that the
oppressed outnumber the oppressors by at least five to one. (As the song says, they may
have the guns, but the oppressed have the numbers. (That is how Mahatma Gandhi succeeded!))) (The problem is that,
after doing what is needed to survive and fighting each other, there isn’t any energy
left to take on the oppressors. (I think the tendency to fight each other (eg, black vs
white) rather than the oppressors is one of the primary reasons we need to redefine our
concept of family; and to start doing away with some of the barriers between people.
(Gandhi was successful because, for a little while, he was able to get the masses to stop
fighting each other and focus on the British.)))
6-20-86
(Midnite) Nice day.
I stopped in Flippers tonite and bs'd a bit with Erica. (She rented some more albums, so tonite I am back to taping music. (Nice.))