(3pm) I am thinking about getting into cocaine if I can ever afford it. (So many of my friends do, and it gets old being an outsider and cut off from a segment of their lives. (There have been a lot of times when people didn't include me for that reason.)-(Maybe I will find friends quicker, if I have that in common with everyone else?))
I have been feeling that it's good to spend time alone now, for a lot of reasons; but I still find myself wondering if it isn’t mostly running away again.
Erica is commenting again these days that I have to stop planning. (I know I need to find some way to become more spontaneous, but do I give up planning entirely?)
She has also been reminding me about my idea to forget sex and just work on finding friends now. (I know I should, but just can't seem to forget about sexuality.) (Maybe she doesn't understand that because her biggest problem, sexually, is deciding which offers to accept? (Attractive people who have active sex lives aren't going to understand.)) (Oh well, I still have to figure out how one builds friendships that can grow into sexual relationships, instead of only platonic one’s. (I am doing things wrong, but I am still lost as to what needs changing.))
(11pm) Tonite I stopped in Flippers after work. (Erica was pretty cold to me again.) (We went over to Richard's, after she got off, and visited some more. (Richard thinks I should give everything away, quit work, and write.))
Erica keeps telling me to talk to whoever is around to talk to. (I suppose she is right again.)-(Companionship is nice, and I need practice in communicating with others.) (First though, I have to learn to like myself enough to believe that others would want to talk to me, and that it wouldn't be a waste of their time.)-(And, I have to learn to overcome my self-consciousness and over-sensitiveness, so that there is room for others to come into my life.)
I need to find some way to expand my range of knowledge, so that I have a way to relate to more people in a better way. (I know a lot about a lot of things; but in the areas of play, seduction, flirting, …, I have little background and experience.)
I know I need to take things less seriously, but how do I let go?
I have been hearing a lot of people talk about their family lately. (I still think we need to redefine our concept of family.)
Richard commented that anyone who gets to meet Erica is very very lucky. (I will agree!) (She has contributed much to my life and I am very very thankful!) (Somehow I have been lucky enough to meet several very special women, who have shared and cared, and made my lot in life a lot better! (I have tried to give some love and caring to each of them in return. (I hope I have succeeded at least a little bit!))) (I believe that there are more special women out there, that I will meet some of them, and that there are more special moments waiting for me!)
6-17-86
(Midnite) Richard also commented that he thought I miss my ex. (I miss the sex. (She was a lot of fun in bed, she enjoyed a lot of sex, and she taught me much about that part of life!))-(But we were never really friends, and what magic we had was used up years ago.)
Now I had better go looking for sleep.