(9pm) Maybe I am being too hard on myself, and not appreciating the progress I have made? (e.g., there were risks involved in moving to Missoula and with confronting my bosses. (I must have looked a bit like a bowl of Jell-O to my bosses; but I did overcome and I said what I wanted to say.)) (I just have to expand that into other parts of life. (And find the courage to accept that if I fear losing I have already lost. (Why is it that such a simple truth is so hard to accept?))) (Also, although I still have no confidence in my abilities in the social arena, I am gaining confidence in my abilities at work.) (I wish I could jump all the way to being whole, independent, spontaneous, playful, …; but it's just not that simple.)
I wonder if I will meet anyone in the next six months? (The first six months in Missoula haven’t brought me any new friends.)
5-24-86
(7am) How does one go about leaving the analytical behind when it isn’t useful? (And how does one know which moments those are?)
I am still torn about going to Wallace again. (Tis my only sexual outlet and it feels good getting laid now and then, but it hasn’t helped me to break through to intimacy.)
I suppose another reason people sometimes think I am rude is that I am thinking about something else besides being with them and they feel it. (I have to try to be with people, when I am. (I have lots of solitary time to ponder on all this, and I should save that for then.)
(5pm) Twas a productive day at work. (Tis amazing how much more work can be done when there is no one else around to interrupt me.)-(Being able to use several computers and printers at once also makes a big difference.)
Now it's sun-tanning time.
(8pm) Quiet evening.
I suppose my way of dealing with parties is bad too. (I find a quiet corner, and wait for people to come and visit with me. (I usually end up talking to a lot of people, but it's playing the turtle again.))
5-25-86
(3pm) I passed out at about ten last nite.
I got to work at seven this morning and worked until three. (I am a bit burned out now.)
(6pm) I laid out in the sun for three hours. (Now I am a bit fried on the outside too.)
I think Carrie is right about following my own intuition with women. (I may not have found any lovers (It can be argued that I haven't tried too hard.), but I have found good friends and I am loved. (Thinking about my women friends, I would say I have pretty good taste in women.)
If Missoula is like most college towns, summer is the best time to meet people. (The locals tend to stay home or go to house parties through the school year, and then come out in the summer when the kids are gone.)