e. How anyone makes it through the nite and how they live their sex lives is nobodies business but their own.
f. The governmental entities in this country need to increase revenues and/or cut costs in order to continue functioning and eliminating laws targeted against victimless crimes would both generate billions of dollars and cut costs by billions. (Excise and income taxes on these commodities and services would go a long ways towards helping to solve that problem.)
(6pm) Busy day. (I sat at my computer terminal all day and entered numbers. (I don't know how people stand it, who do nothing but that all day, every day. (I guess I will find out this weekend.)) (I’m heading of to Bozeman next week, so I’m working this weekend to take care of my job here. (Working two jobs sucks. (Oh well, I need the money.)))
My lease is up on my apartment, so I am looking for a new one. (Changes and uncertainty. (Yech.)) (Or, should I start trying to like change?) (Maybe, rather than worrying about the bridges I have burned, I should work on building new one’s?)
It appears as though my talk with my bosses may have done some good. (There have been some positive changes since.)-(Now to see if it continues over time.)
Now I am going to lay outside and work on my tan.
(7pm) Erica stopped by and visited, and left me another letter. (I suppose it's strange to live in the same town and still be pen pals, but that is how our relationship works.)-(And, she is still the person who writes the most to me.) (In this letter, she is after me again about not seeing my kids. (I just can't deal with the hostility now and I still think it would cause more damage than good.)) (She also asked about my shakes again. (Tis weird, I guess. I have lived with that as long as I can remember, and I rarely notice it anymore.))
I wonder if I will ever overcome my fears and start living again? (I suppose I should at least stop complaining, since it's me who chooses to be ruled by fear.) (Ruts are safer.) (I keep trying to overcome and return to living, but I don't know that I will ever make it.)-(?) (Erica is probably right that there isn’t any point in me being with people until I do overcome. (I just bring people down, and get in the way of their fun.)) (She is probably also right that I should forget about Wallace, since I seem to fret about it being "right", etc. (I am just not ready for sex yet.))
(8pm) I am a bit confused about being with people. (I seem to fall on my face a lot, I am not experienced with talking or playing, and I sometimes bring others down; but how am I to learn and overcome at home alone?) (I am bound to make an ass of myself a lot on the way to learning, but how else is there to learn?) (Maybe the point is that I have to work through the blocks alone first, and then go out when I am good enough to not bring others down with my gloom?) (And, I suppose, the biggest block to overcome is learning to like myself.) (Erica says people perceive me as not wanting to be bothered by anyone. (I just can't imagine anyone wanting to spend time with me.))
Erica has also commented a lot about my lack of spontaneity. (My life is highly structured and routine; and I do tend to analyze the shit out of every moment in my attempt to figure out what is happening and how I am to respond.) (Right now it's highly unlikely that a sexual moment will just happen. (Someone would have to really work at getting me into bed, and that is doubtful when so many fellows, who are fun to be with, are chasing them.))