(Noon) More thoughts from yesterdays visit to the river:
1. I tell myself that I enjoy just being by the water and not doing anything; but before my divorce I went fishing a lot.
2. I seem to have a problem dealing with being around other men now. (Especially in situations where I am forced to admit that I am incompetent at tasks which men are supposed to do well. (e.g., seduction, fishing, hunting, sports, being aggressive, …) (I am a wimp and I try to avoid situations where that fact will be discovered.))
3. Another definition of a lot of those things, besides being things men are supposed to be good at; is they are fun and playful activities. (I do seem to have a strong fear of playtime.)-(Is it that I am punishing myself? (If so, why?)) (I suppose another aspect is that I am afraid to show women that I am afraid of those parts of life, because it's a turn-off. (In those situations, it becomes obvious that every other man is a better choice than I am.))
4. I seem to have a real problem coping, when there is more than three or four other people together. (Any more than that and I get frightened and withdraw.)
5. It gets old sometimes, to always be the odd man out.
6. I tend to avoid activities where I have problems and I am inexperienced, because it gets in the way of other people having fun. (Spoiling everyone else’s fun makes me feel guilty.)
7. I rarely try anything new, unless someone else twists my arm and makes me do it.
8. I tend to observe life, not live it.
(8pm) I stopped in Flippers after work tonite. (Erica chewed me out some more.)
Random thoughts from the bar:
1. The other day at the river I got close to going rafting; but chickened out and ran (or rather hitchhiked) back to where they would end their trip. I suppose I would react the same way if I actually go close to getting laid. (I need to touch and be touched, and to come to terms with intimacy; but I would probably run from it, rather than embracing its return to my life.)
2. Maybe my problem isn't so much that I analyze things too much, but that I seldom do anything about testing out what I come up with. (Tis safe to just sit back and analyze life, and never take it out on the streets.)
3. I have been pondering for some time now on Carrie's comment that the reason I have been rejected by so many women is that I expect rejection. (Maybe I find rejection, because that is what I want?)
4. If I want to be rejected, maybe cigs are a tool I use to help achieve that goal? (Even women who smoke complain about how much I smoke.)
5. I wonder if there is more to the water thing? (e.g., I can deal with swimming pools. They are clear and are well defined geometrically, while rivers and lakes aren't.)-(e.g., there is a lot of symbolism related to water and fishing. (e.g., sex and salvation.))
6. I collected merit badges in boy scouts in both swimming and canoeing, and both were earned on a lake. (Whatever it is, tis something that wasn't always there.)
I read an article in "USA Today" that claims that a survey shows that 66% of single men feel their lives are growing more stressful and 42% are anxious about sex. (Tis nice to know that I am not alone.)
(10pm) Mellow evening.
(11pm) I have another trip lined up to go help out the County; and I will be there for the final performance of the Colter Boys. (Coincidence? - When I talked to the lead singer, the last time they played at the Top Hat, he told me that somehow I would make it there for that nite.) (It should be a good party.)