Thinking about the problem I seem to be having with playing and being with others, I keep wondering if this isn't a way that I am punishing myself for something. (Being alone so much, and never touching or being touched, can be painful. (e.g., I wasn't even able to allow myself the simple joy of fishing today. (I have only been fishing once since my divorce. (I seem to have given up a lot of life, since my divorce!))))
5-19-86
(7am) I also seem to have a problem with getting stuck in ruts. (I do change the patterns of my life some, but normally it takes someone else suggesting something new to do and dragging me along, before I will try it out.) (One of my excuses is that I don’t have a car that I can go off exploring in, but I could hitchhike or take a bus.)
Another project Erica keeps bugging me to work on is to build friendships with men. (That seems to happen pretty spontaneously. Tis the friendships with women that are hard.) (The problem with men friends is that I don't have a lot in common with a lot of the men here, and we run out of things to talk about. (Unless they are talkers, and then I just listen and learn about things like cars, fishing, hunting, chasing women, ….)) (I have discovered that I usually have more fun partying with my women friends, and that I am less likely to get really shitfaced and into trouble when I party with them. (Amazingly enough, I also seem to end up spending less money.)) (Oh well, I do have men friends, and I do enjoy their company at times; but I need to find a few more here. (I can't seem to get into building any friendships here, and I don't think gender has anything to do with it. (I have to learn to like myself first.)))
One down side to not being aggressive with women at the bars is that women have told me several times to go home to my wife. (By not chasing I seem to create the illusion that I am attached, I guess. (?)) (But, if I were to chase, I would be perceived as a jerk. (So what is the answer?))
Oh yes, while I was pondering the "Principle of Seduction" I thought about Hunter (He is good at seduction.), and about the album he suggested I buy. (Morris Day and the Time, "Ice Cream Castles". (I like a couple of the songs a lot, but have problems with a couple of them. (e.g., wouldn't "Chile sauce" be a good example of the "Principle of Seduction" at work?))
(10am) Erica called. (She chewed me out again for not joining in the other day at the river. (Tis frustrating to be unable to overcome my fears; but at least I tried and I did enjoy getting out of town for a few hours, even if I wasn't able to join in and play.))