(I tend to think that I would prefer monogamy; but I think it's more likely I will end up in a relationship similar to Erica and Samantha's, at least for awhile. (I have been becoming more and more independent, the women I am attracted to are very independent women, and I think that is the most likely kind of relationship for me to end up in.)) (Does any of this make any sense?)-(What is the answer?)-(Is there one answer, or lots of them?)-(Am I right in starting with friendship?)-(What is the definition of mutuality?)-(Dependency sure doesn't get one anywhere, does it?) (Tis all fine by me. We all deal with basically the same puzzle when it comes to relationships and sexuality; but each of us must find the solution in our own ways, working with our own strengths and weaknesses.) (I try not to think of any of the options available as "right" or "wrong". Each of us has different needs and approaches the problem from a slightly different perspective, and that perspective changes through time as people grow and change. (e.g., Carrie has begun staying in relationships longer than she once did; and some day she may make the choice of a long-term monogamous relationship.))
(6pm) Erica stopped by with some shirts for me. (A number of times in my reading I have run across the suggestion that one change their wardrobe as a step towards becoming desirable. (I gave Erica my sizes and some money, since she has better taste than I have.))
(8pm) I worry that I am missing a good opportunity to meet women, by not going out to the bars before the bands start; but, when I do, I seem to end up passing out around ten. (I have to learn to pace myself.)-(I wonder if drinking so much when I go out is another defense mechanism? (It isn’t something that impresses many women, and it leaves me unable to function if I did find a lover for the nite.))
It has sure been a beautiful day here.
(9pm) Twas another wild evening on "Dallas".
5-17-86
(3am) Tonite I walked downtown, had a brew at Corky's and bs'd a bit with Dell. Then on to the Top Hat. (Good music and girl watching. (I do love it when it gets warm enough to wear shorts. (Yum!))) Then I went back to Corky's and then to Mary's Place. (I ran into Lisa, and I got her and her roommate hi.) (I wore the purple shirt Erica had bought for me, and I got a couple of complements on it.) (Lisa says, when I decide to get back to sex, I will be doing everyone in town. (?))
(9am) Tis laundry time once again.
Erica is good people, but, like everyone, she has her own problems. (One I have noticed is that she is a bit insecure about her femininity.)-(Another is that she is a bit afraid of touching. (When I had asked her about why she reacted so negatively the time I hugged her; she said her family talked a lot when she was growing up, but almost never touched.))-(Also, she seems to be a bit afraid of commitments.)-(She is also afraid of giving up her independence, but she may be right about that. (I think mutuality rather than dependence is the goal in relationships, and that requires each person to retain a lot of their independence and individuality, rather than entering into the conventional interpersonal contracts.))