One problem with studying and writing is that those are other habits of mine that help keep me fixed in the analytical mode of thought. (Everywhere I go I end up scribbling notes to myself on matchbooks, bar napkins, ...; to remind myself of things to write about.) (Oh well, I do enjoy writing and it's a cheap hobby. (And tis good therapy.))
I fell in lust with one woman who attended the seminar. (She kept asking the questions that were coming to my mind.) (She is married.)
I understand that I am not doing the after hours party scene here because I don't know anyone who gives them. (Also, I am too tired and wasted when the bars close to go party more.) (But, why was it I didn't get invited to them back in the Paw days? (I was unemployed, I was staying up until four or five am every nite, and I knew lots of people who gave them.) (My guess is that not being into cocaine was most of the reason, but maybe it was some other aspect of my personality?))
(10pm) The NBC lineup was fun tonite.
I haven't heard from Carrie or Hunter in awhile. (I hope they are both ok!)
5-16-86
(8am) Another beautiful morning!
One thing I have noticed lately is that the other men at the bars seem to touch women far more than I would even consider. (How do they get away with it? (When I touch women, they usually act as if I had insulted them.)) (I feel like I should wait until I am given permission to touch. (Or is that just another of my defenses?))
I like Joe Cocker's new song "You can leave your hat on". (I wonder if I will ever rejoin that part of life, and be that comfortable with sexuality?)
I wonder sometimes about the timing of my move to Missoula. (If I had stayed there another month, I would have been caught up in the middle of the nitemare that unfolded at the County right after I left.)-(And, I wouldn't have made this much money.) (Great timing.)-(Coincidence?)
I got a letter from Carrie today. (She says she loves Santa Barbara.) (She says to accept my humanness, and to stop feeling guilty about going to Wallace. (I do tend to deny my needs and my humanity.)) (She also says to ignore other people's advice about choosing women, and to follow my intuition.)-(And, to stop underestimating myself.) (Tis sure nice hearing from her!) (I miss her much!)