4-11-86
(10am) Sexual puzzles:
1. Not everything that can be caught can be cured, but celibacy sucks. (Since I had a vasectomy I don't have to worry about pregnancy, but that is a worry for most people.)
2. I think the goal, for me, is to find a friend and lover; but do I start with friends and look for lovers among them, or start with lovers and look for friends among them?
3. I think there are advantages, for me, in going to Wallace; but it causes guilt and may be avoiding what I really need to be working on.
4. I have avoided learning the chauvinist sexual rituals, for finding lover. I say it's because I don't feel it's the right way to go, but maybe it's just an excuse for staying alone?
5. What is the impact, of doing one nite stands and playing the jerk, on my chances of finding a long-term relationship in a small town?
(Tis all so confusing to me!)
(1pm) I got a letter from Hunter today. (He is back in Milwaukee and has started sailing again.) (He has three jobs lined up in the Virgin Islands for next winter.) (It sounds like he is getting laid more in a week than I have in the past four years. (Good for him.)) (His advice to me is "No pain, no gain.". (That sounds good, but all I seem to find is the pain part.)) (At least he has returned to being a sexual being again.)
4-12-86
(10am) I have been trying to quit cigs again, but I backslid again last nite. (My lungs aren't going to take much more, so hopefully I will beat them.) (It would even get in the way of sex, if I ever found a lover. (Tis hard to be sexy when you are having a coughing fit.))
Last nite I went down to Flippers from seven until midnite. (I bs'd with Erica and she kept giving me Dos Equis to drink.) (I shot some pool and played video trivia. (I did best on the sports and music parts, and the worst on sex. (Figures.))) (Then, when Erica got off of work, we went to Connie's and ran into Miranda and Charlotte.) (Nice evening!)
Maybe I should forget about sex for now? (It confuses me!) (I need to work on more basic social skills and worrying about it is probably just making matters worse.) (The problem is convincing my libido.)
4-13-86
(1am) Quiet nite of drugs and movies. (Tonite's viewing is "Yentl", "Terminator", "10", "Desperately seeking Susan", "Christine", and "Clockwork orange". (Quite a mixture.))
(5pm) Erica stopped by and dropped off some albums for me to tape. (That is a good deal. (She rents the albums, and I do the taping.))-(We both end up with cheap music and that is neat.)
(11pm) Oh yes, Erica commented that switching to wearing jeans instead of cords, was a good idea.