I truly believe music is a crucial part of life. (e.g., tis modern times only widely consumed medium of poetry, and poetry, I feel, is important to life.) (There is a bit on an old Fugs album where they say to beware of people who aren't moved by sound. (I have found that to be true.)-(I think people who aren't moved by music are cut off from the rhythms of life.))
I am afraid of commitment and insecure, so I can relate to others who are likewise. (I worry that I liked Lair's book simply because it provides a rationalization for celibacy.)-(I have already got so many rationalizations to support celibacy, I didn't really need any additional support.)-(I have built up so many walls and defenses that no one ever has a chance to get very close to me.)
(1pm) For some reason, last nite I was pondering on what I would do if my ex came by or called. (I decided I would slam the door in her face, or hang up on her. (I wish I could overcome those fears, but so far no luck.))
Sometimes I refer to my friends as kids; but I think I learn more from them than they do from me.
I got another rejection notice on my book today.
I feel bad about it; but my moods do seem to be related to the amount of money in my pocket.
I have been pondering Jess Lair's ideal for choosing a mate; but I have my
doubts about how it would fit into reality. (It presupposes one is surrounded by a group
of people, all of whom are celibate and willing to remain so for quite some time, while
friendships develop and mature. (I don't know anyone, beside myself, who is into long-term
celibacy.))
(2pm) Quote:
Gerald Weinberg-(on computers)-"Cultural brokers
exist wherever two different cultures must interact, in spite of their different
languages, value systems, customs and other barriers to communication. The cultural broker
is a person who happens to have one foot in each culture, so can act as a go-between
whenever the need arises."
(5pm) Even though I accept that my luck with women has to do with my defenses, I can't help but wonder about my desirability. (Would overcoming my problems and tearing down my defenses make any difference?) (Other fellows have defenses too, yet they still get laid.)-(And there are fellows getting laid, because one woman or another took the time to work at breaking down those defenses and opened them up to it.) (With all the women I know, and all the time I spend with women, you would think that I would get lucky now and then. (And, there have been many moments when I have been willing. (And, more than a couple times when I have asked.)))
5-4-85
(1am) Hunter and I went down to the Scoop and shot pool; and then down to the Filler to listen to the Colter Boys play. (I shot lousy pool, but the music was great.)
We ran into Carrie at the Filler and Hunter took off with her.
The girl watching tonite was quite pleasant. (There were even some older women out and about tonite for a change.)