5-2-85
(8am) Lair's theory about the power that sexual bonding has would explain why people will stay with someone who is destroying them. (It does create a strong hold.) (And, doesn't social conditioning explain a lot of bad choices? (If I hadn't been taught to seek out lust and to feed my ego with sexual conquest, I wouldn't have hooked up with my ex.))
Quote:
D.H. Lawrence-"But during the long February
nights with the ewes in labour, looking out from the shelter into the flashing stars, he
knew he did not belong to himself. He must admit that he was only fragmentary, something
incomplete and subject. There were the stars in the dark heaven travelling, the whole host
passing by on some eternal voyage. So he sat small and submissive to the greater ordering.
Unless she would come to him, he must remain as a nothingness."
(2pm) I am quite nervous about my Missoula trip and seeing Erica.
(9pm) Carrie came by for dinner tonite. (It sure is nice having her around.)
I got Joe’s birthday present ready to mail tonite. (I wonder if he will get it?) (Oh well, I doubt that he wants to hear from me.)
5-3-85
(2pm) I still wonder, at times, if not being able to get over being in love with Erica isn't just another of my defense mechanisms. (Tis a dream that is highly unlikely to ever come true in any way; yet it keeps everyone else away, and me alone and safe from risks.)
(9pm) The more I think about it, the more I think it is unrealistic to consider a love life until I get my money problems squared away. (I would hate to burden anyone else with my choices.)
If the money ever does come around, I think I should forget dating and focus on just getting out more, doing a wider variety of things, and building new friendships. Then, after I have met more women and broadened my social life, consider dating. (I am chronologically 35 and intellectually maybe more than that; but socially and emotionally I am an infant. (I have a lot of development yet to accomplish in those areas.)) (How can I even consider looking for a lover, when I flinch at even a gentle touch from a friend?)
I haven't heard from Samantha in a week or so. (The last time I saw her, I was in a shitty mood. (I wonder if I pissed her off or depressed her?))
I haven't written any poems in awhile, and don't really feel in the mood to. (I seem to go through periods of study and thought, then I write about what I got from those books or experiences; and then move on to more study, thought and wandering.)
On studying: I read a lot and I read a wide variety of subject matter; but I have found that that just provides sign posts. (Until I take it out on the street and figure out how it ties into life, the signs are mostly worthless.)