12-27-88
(5am) I woke up at 3am and couldn’t get back to sleep. (Annoying!)
Initially what was on my mind was Miranda and Danny’s breakup. (I disagree that her not being ready for a more serious relationship now is a reason to break up. (Tis justification for not buying a house together, and they will need to rewrite their contract.)-(Oh well, I don’t know enough about their situation to say what is right and what is wrong.)) (Hopefully he won’t lose the down payment he made on the house!) (She has been an anchor for him, through a difficult period in his life, and cutting him loose is liable to cause some damage. (Maybe he was taking too much and Miranda couldn’t deal with continuing to give?)) (I hope we are all able to defeat our dragons some day, and form a relationship with someone who will be good for us!)
One advantage of platonic relationships is that they seem to last longer.
Tis interesting how people do things that screw up relationships they really want and need. (The trick, I guess, is to figure out whether that relationship is right for you. (We all want and need what can be gained from a good relationship. The trick is to find the right person to build it with.))-(Maybe the trick is to figure out if we sabotage relationships because on some level we know we have picked the wrong people, or, did we find the right one and don’t have the courage to do anything but run away?) (I sabotaged my marriage because she was bad for me.)-(Now I sabotage any possibility of a relationship forming because I am afraid and I can’t seem to do anything but run away.) (Regardless of whether we are picking the wrong people or pushing away the right people, it all grows out of not really liking ourselves enough to wish ourselves happiness and good times. (Life is hard enough without fighting and attacking ourselves!)) (A girlfriend and more friends could make my life fuller, happier and healthier; but I may well keep running and end up a tired lonely old man with no one in his life.)
One does reach a point where they become more aware of their own mortality, and start doing things like quitting cigs.
I hope I can stay away from the cigs! (I have to learn to like myself more!)-(My only hope of finding love is to live long enough to dig myself out of debt and come to terms with my phobias.)
(7am) I suppose I should get ready for work. (Yech!)
(6pm) Erica stopped by for a bit. (Neat!)
Erica commented that Miranda doesn’t really have much room to talk, as she is consuming a lot too. (It does seem easier to see weakness in others than in ourselves.) (Maybe they are both projecting?) (One advantage of friends is helping each other see our blind spots. (I know I have learned much about myself from the input I have received from friends!)) (I don’t know enough about that part of life to know how much is too much.) (I still wish I had the money for that. (I was always envious of the guys in the bars who had cocaine because they got to spend far more time with women than I did.))
My New Year’s resolution is to lose some weight.
(10pm) Time to hit the sack!