(9am) It would be useful now to find someone who knows something about growing smoke. (The book has been helpful, but a teacher would be better. (Not having input into things I am studying is one of the down sides to solitude!))
(10am) I notice things periodically that make me realize that part of how I have blocked the pain of my marriage is I have blocked off that period of my life and sealed it away. (That has a lot of advantages, but there are some drawbacks. (e.g., I would say that is part of why I don’t have a strong desire for sexual encounters. (Over 99% of my sexual experiences were with my ex, and blocking off that period of my life eliminates the memory of sex being fun.))-(Maybe someday someone will come along and teach me about that part of life again?)) (Still though that is just at the conscious level. The unconscious still remembers the pain, and that connection of sex and pain that my ex conditioned into me is the biggest reason for the phobic reaction.)-(Again, it will take a woman willing to teach me that sex and pain don’t always come together. (There are problems and pain at times in all relationships; but, normally, it isn’t constant like it was with my ex.))
(Noon) Laundry time again. (Yech!)
I got a letter from my sister. (She sent a list of music she would like taped, so I have a new project to work on.) (It sounds like she is doing better.) (She is trying to get Bill to find a job, but he is bitching about it.)
I switched the plant lite to 12-hour days. (Supposedly that will cause them to bud, so I can figure out which one’s are males.)-(By the end of the month I should be able to harvest the males and set them back to 18 hour days, so the female plants will grow leaves and branches for another month or so.)
(3pm) I finally got around to writing to my dad and Samantha.
I also got started on Xmas cards.
Going to people’s houses when they have invited me shouldn’t be a problem, but I am starting to have problems with that now.
(5pm) Erica stopped in for a bit. (Neat!)
From what she says, one of her slow nites would be a busy nite for me. (Someday I will have to be less mellow!)
Tis a drag when every paycheck for years is already obligated!
(7pm) I am still avoiding romantic movies. (I just don’t want to be reminded about that part of life now.) (I suppose that is why I am having trouble rereading "Still Life with Woodpecker".)
(11pm) Tiredness!
12-11-88
(Noon) Quiet morning. (Nice!)