10-7-88
(Midnite) Twas a beautiful birthday nite!
I am happy!
Nice buzz!
I am horny, but I can deal with that myself!
I wonder when my new x-rated video will show up? (It will be nice to have some new fantasies! (The reality would be nicer, but I can’t do what I would have to, to find love now.)-(If I am not man enough to conquer the fear, I can’t complain about sleeping alone! (Eventually I will heal enough to overcome the fear and try again!)))
(8am) I feel good!
Erica stopped in on her way to work. (Neat!)
Everyone here seems to be interconnected somehow with everyone else. (Tis kind of nice, but it makes affairs difficult to get away with.)
Erica says Jim has been working even more than normal and is pretty grumpy. (Hopefully he isn’t doing what I did. (I know my spending so much time at work and school had to do with avoiding home.)) (Considering that he has told me he was dissatisfied, the long hours of work and bad moods are probably unconscious messages about wanting out of the relationship.) (They should try a marriage counselor. (If they don’t start communicating and dealing with their problems, they aren’t going to have a relationship.))
Erica commented on the lack of cig smoke here now. (Tis nicer!)
It sounds like Miranda is beginning to see that she contributed to the ending of her relationship with Jeremy. (Tis hard when one is afraid to trust, communicate, make a commitment, spend a lot of time with that person, …, to build a relationship and make it last!) (I wish I had talked more in my marriage about why I was unhappy. (And, gotten more marriage counseling.))-(It would probably have brought the relationship to an earlier end, but that would have been for the best. (I would have gotten out with less damage, if I had done it sooner.) (I was never able to trust her, she didn’t trust me and there was never the communication necessary to develop emotional intimacy and friendship.)) (One thing that bugs Miranda is that Jeremy had been planning to end the relationship for three years, and all that time was wasted. (And, that she didn’t see it coming. (I would guess she did sense it on some levels (e.g., her affairs), but didn’t bring it to consciousness and do something about it.)))
Erica says she is sad about having to start over after all of the years she invested into building the relationship with Henry. (It does take a lot of time and energy to build a new relationship.) (I know I am not looking forward to going through all that. (Tis hard to trust and risk that much!))
(4pm) My dad sent me $200 for my birthday. (Cool!)
Busy day of shopping!