When my mom died I went through a real tough period! (Ever since she went insane, I had avoided her and I had a lot of quilt to work through.)-(I lived in Lawrence and was going to KU, when she died.)-(I had gone home to Topeka in August of ’71. (I would go out drinking every nite and then come stumbling in around 1am. She would be sitting in the kitchen drinking coffee, chain smoking cigs and playing solitaire. Then I would sit and play cards with her until 4 or 5am. We didn’t talk, just quietly playing cards.))-(She went into the hospital a few weeks after I moved back to Lawrence. (I had just lost my virginity and I got a call saying my mom had experienced a massive heart failure and a series of heart attacks. (Real nice way to enter the world of sexuality.)))-(She had been sitting in my bedroom since I had moved back to Lawrence, with her legs covered. (Her heart was failing and all the blood settled into her legs. (She had covered her legs the whole time, so no one would notice.) (She committed suicide by natural causes.)))-(She lived on another three weeks and died three days after my 21st birthday.) (The nite of her funeral I got the first of a series of attacks. (Twas sort of like someone stuck a knife in my left side and twisted it for hours. (Over the next six months I had those attacks regularly and I ended up losing 60 pounds.))) (For about two years after that I drank way too much!) (No matter when someone close dies, there always seem to be things that went unsaid and regrets and guilt and …. (Tis how life is.)-(Eventually though one must complete the mourning process and rejoin the living!))
Exercise and work are probably a better way to work through it than booze, but they aren’t as much fun.
On top of the break up with Henry, this has to be quite a blow. (Hopefully she will work through it all ok!)
Hopefully she will be careful driving back to Anaconda! (Her car is still not fixed and she has to be experiencing an emotional storm now.)
(10pm) Well, the fumes still haven’t vented out of the bedroom.
(11pm) Still lots of paint fumes.
I haven’t done well on cigs today. (I can’t afford to buy anymore now, so I don’t have much choice.)
I sure got covered with paint today. (Tis so tight in there I kept bumping into the walls and ceiling.) (My hair looked like I had used it as a paintbrush.)
9-26-88
(Midnite) Tiredness!
Smelly bedroom or not, tis time for me to crash!
(6am) Monday morning again. (Yech!)
I couldn’t wake up in time for the Club.
(6pm) Busy day!
Well I am back down to one pack of cigs. (Time to try again!)