I was sure lazy this weekend! (No housework, walking or writing projects got done.)
Erica was wishing she could change her period from Tuesdays to the weekend, so she wouldn’t use up so much sick time. (When she bartended that was her weekend and it worked out ok.) (Tis nice to have sick time built up for when something serious happens.) (The downside is that then one weekend a month is messed up. (Also, I have read women are usually horniest just before their period, so that change would move that time from the weekend to the middle of the week. (Maybe I am unusual, but I have less energy week nites than on weekends.)-(Maybe time and energy aren’t important to most? (I think of sex as taking hours, but from what I have read most people think in terms of minutes, and they wouldn’t need much time or energy.)))
(6am) Well, I got all ready for the Club but couldn’t make it out the door. (One problem with being a hermit on weekends is it makes Mondays harder to cope with! (Besides having to adjust to work again, I have to adjust to being around people again.)-(Maybe someday my weekends will be full of people? (I have a lot to learn and a lot of growing to do, before people will be able to stand being around me, and I can cope with doing what I have to do, to meet people and build new friendships!)-(First I need to work on cigs and adapt to that change.)))
There hasn’t been much on tv but reruns. (I need to find the energy to start typing at nite and stop vegging out on the couch! (Tis hard to do now, for some reason. (I wonder why sometimes I get on the computer and go hard for weeks and other times I can’t do anything?)-(It does take a lot of energy, and maybe I just don’t have enough sometimes?)-(I think part of my problem in finding energy is simply that I sit so much on weekends and at nite. (When I can get myself out the door, I don’t get tired as early and I seem to have more energy.))))
(7am) I think, after a few weeks, quitting cigs will give me more energy; but it makes going out harder. (Being around smokers triggers the urge and makes it hard to do much but fight the craving to smoke.)-(I get bad headaches in bars when I don’t smoke.)-(Not having that defense mechanism drives my anxiety level even higher.) (I will try the bars again next spring and see how it goes. (The urge to smoke should be lower by then, and the pattern of not smoking should be pretty well established by then.)-(Maybe by then the headaches won’t be a problem.)-(And, maybe I will have healed enough by then to not need so many defense mechanisms and the anxiety won’t get in the way so much.)-(If not, I will stop and try again some other time in the future, and keep that pattern up until I can cope with going out.)) (I wonder how much of the increased desire for a cig, when I go to bars in the first months of trying to quit, is the physical addiction and how much is the need for a defense mechanism? (When I am smoking and I go, my consumption level goes way up, so a lot of it is probably my unconscious looking for a defense mechanism.))
I will have to make myself get out and walk next weekend. (And, go to the Club!) (Those activities help to make quitting cigs easier.)
I will have to take the stop smoking tape Sharon gave me to work and listen to it on the walkman. (Tis sounds of waves and new age style music, with subliminal messages about quitting.)
(5pm) Erica stopped by during the day and left a note. (Neat!)
It sounds like she isn’t feeling well again. (Sad!)