Erica says her periods have been less severe the past couple months. (Hopefully that means her problem is clearing up!)
She said she had lost respect for Henry, but wouldn’t say why.
(9am) I will have to take the camera to the fair today. (It has been a long time since I have taken pictures of people!) (For a lot of years I never went anywhere without a camera.)
I have been thinking again about starting to grow my own smoke. (It would be nice to be free of the hassles of looking!) (And, the only anti-smoke argument I agree with is that it’s wrong to support the mob, and growing my own would eliminate that.) (My closet is the only place I could do it. (I would have to find another place to store my miscellaneous junk.))
(10am) I think I will wait until tomorrow to do laundry.
(Noon) I tore the camera down and cleaned it.
I am having trouble getting psyched up to go to the fair. (These anxiety attacks suck!)
(1pm) I better go, if I am going. (Tis a lot easier to stay home alone, but I need to try and go!)
(2pm) Laundry time again.
I just couldn’t make it to the fair! (Pretty bad!)-(I have been looking forward to the fair all summer and when it gets here I can’t make myself go.) (I guess this is one way to avoid Sharon without hiding behind my women friends. (That isn’t fair to my women friends. (I should just tell Sharon I don’t want to see her again.))) (Another upside is my women friends will have much more fun now that they don’t have to worry about babysitting me.) (And, I won’t eat as much.) (I am sure good at generating excuses!) (The bottom line is I am too afraid to do anything social now.) (Maybe I should be happy that I was at least able to get ready to go and stand staring at the door for ten minutes trying to get through it? (That is closer to going out than I have made it in awhile!))
(3pm) I just ate three x-tops and fixed a cocktail. (Get fucked up and try to forget what a wimp I am!)
Now I am depressed! (Oh well, it will pass soon!)
(4pm) I think I will take a bath and wash off the sun tan lotion I put on in preparation for going to the fair.
(5pm) I took a nice long bath. (Yum!)
The anxiety attack and depression are diminishing now that it’s getting too late to go. (All I can manage at times like this is to be quiet and ride out the storm. (Still it’s better than in the past, when something like this would have left me in a deep black mood for days!))
I am almost out of smoke. (I will have to clean the pipes tonite and start smoking resin. (Yech!))
(6pm) D O made it home.