(8pm) Erica stopped by and kept me company for awhile. (Neat!)
She was going on about some guy her boss is dating. (She says her boss is paying his way everywhere they go. (She thinks the guy is using her boss. (Interesting since she has told me to find a woman who would pay my way.)))-(In theory it shouldn’t matter who pays, but in reality we are still conditioned to think the guy should pay.)
(10pm) Sharon stopped by and molested me. (Nice!) (She has been looking forward to her trip to Germany, but not many people have signed up and it may be called off.)
She said that the fellow she was with that nite at the Hat was a fellow she had lived with for two years. (She says he is an alcoholic and has never held a steady job.)
She wanted to know if I was bothered by her dropping in. (She is my only sex life, and probably will be for a long time to come, and I enjoy her visits.)
She keeps asking about us going places together, but I just can’t get into that. (She would have to pay my way, and I would be worried that she would get hurt.)
7-14-88
(7am) There are lots of beautiful women here and I have no problem finding women I am attracted to. (The trick is meeting them, because of my fear, lack of social skills, and poverty. (Even if I could get past all that, finding love is no piece of cake.))
My boss is definitely a workaholic! (He was living with that waitress, but he hasn’t mentioned her in awhile.) (He is highly intelligent and analytical, but has no control over his emotions and is pretty narrow.) (I don’t agree with him about much of anything, so I rarely talk with him. (I tend to consider people first and all he looks at is the numbers. (Another reason I am a failure at accounting.)))
(5pm) Busy day!
I let D O out when I got home.
(7pm) Not everyone who experiences a bad marriage or childhood becomes a hermit, but everyone seems to go through periods of withdrawal of some sort. (e.g., when I was growing up I got involved in sports so that I had an excuse to be gone from 7am to 7pm. (I also used books, tv and my dad’s pool table to escape that situation when I was at home.)) (e.g., during my marriage I withdrew into school and work, to get time away from her. (Again I used books and tv to withdraw when I was at home.)) (It sounds like Camilla and I are alike in that we withdrew into ourselves and moved far from where we grew up, as a way of coping with a bad childhood.) (I think a lot of the difference in how people escape has to do with genetics and body chemistry.) (One commonality, regardless of the means chosen for withdrawal, is that the people have trouble with commitment and intimacy. (Withdrawal conflicts with the human need for intimacy, and that conflict manifests itself in a variety of ways. (e.g., depression)-(e.g., loneliness)-(e.g., saying one wants to find love, but doing things unconsciously that prevent it from happening.)-(e.g., fucking everyone or fucking no one.)-(e.g., drugs to numb our instincts and help ease the conflict.)-(e.g., …)))