(7am) Nice workout!
I still haven’t found where D O stashed that last bird she brought home.
(5pm) Busy day!
TGI payday!
I walked up through Greenough at lunch today. (Tis sure pretty and green there now!)
I decided to spend my play budget on cocaine. (When I spend it at the Hat what I get is time sitting alone in a bar having intense anxiety attacks.)-(My experiments with cocaine on the other hand have generated some company and partying with friends at home.) (I prefer time with friends, but maybe I am just giving in to my phobias.)
Maybe another reason people don’t like being around me is they think I am psychoanalyzing them all the time? (I do notice things and I am sensitive to other’s emotions, and I talk about that. (I am trying to be helpful, but maybe I should keep my mouth shut.))
(7pm) One negative thing I have noticed about three day weekends is I talk even less when I go back to work. (Talking is good therapy for me, and I will have to find some way to spend more time around people.)
I have thought lately about working on becoming more romantic again. (I have become pretty cynical.) (The problem is that every time I fall for someone, she isn’t interested. (Beating my head against the wall and getting my heart broken has gotten old.))
I have also been feeling like I need to work on building a relationship. (I needed to withdraw to learn some things and grow, but I am going to have to move back to being with others.)-(The downside of learning to overcome loneliness is that was the driving motivation that got me out the door.) (I have to find some way to become optimistic that I will find someone to love, if I go out. (Without that motivation, I don’t know if I can keep enduring the pain of going out.))
(8pm) Another aspect of the puzzle is that I am happier now than ever before. (I have seen so many relationships result in pain and unhappiness, I am leery of risking it. (And, that is complicated by my phobias. I need positive experiences to overcome the phobias, and relationships hold the potential for more pain, which would make my phobias even worse.)-(Maybe, if I have truly learned and grown from this time alone, I am less likely of choosing someone who would hurt me?)) (Confusing!)
I haven’t seen Lauren in weeks. (Oh well, it’s probably for the best. (She is getting married and I am still attracted to her.)-(Avoid the frustration!))
Erica suggested I pay Linda to cut my hair, instead of going to the barber college. (I would rather help them out, so I will try that.)
I finally got some film for the camera. (When I went to put it in I discovered there was a roll in the camera. (I will have to get it developed and see what they are.)-(I can’t remember the last time I took pictures.)) (That is another thing I haven’t done much since my divorce. (After my ex threw out all my photos and negatives, I kind of lost interest.)-(I lost my dark room in the divorce.)-(I used to love photography and working in the dark room!))