(7pm) Erica stopped in to visit. (Neat!)
(8pm) I ate three x-tops, and did a couple lines of cocaine (I like this buzz!)
(9pm) I am about ready to go out, except for getting psyched up to do it.
5-15-88
(2am) I went to the Hat. (Great music and girl watching!)-(Falling in lust is wonderful!)
28 cigs in four hours this time.
Miranda and Charlotte cruised through the Hat and I visited with them. (They are good people!)
Erica brought some lilacs. (D O is fascinated by them.)
Erica commented that I don’t have any problem thinking and talking around her. (True!) (My core phobia is sexual aversion, and she has made it very clear that she wouldn’t fuck me even with someone else’s pussy. (One thing all my women friends have in common is they find me undesirable.)-(Without that to worry about, the anxiety attacks don’t fire up and I am able to think clearly and talk when I am with them.)) (Also I now them all well and trust them, which further alleviates the anxiety attacks.)
Tis frustrating to be horny all the time and at the same time be so afraid of relationships that I can’t let anyone close!
Erica says her sex drive is getting back to normal. (Good for her!)
It would be nice to just pretend I am not phobic, but I can’t pull it off. (The loss of muscle control and foggy mind syndrome that go along with it, make something that complex out of the question.) (For now it’s a major victory just to make it out the door!)
Tis about time to work on cigs again. (I am getting tired of that habit!) (They are a symptom of my phobias and they should be easier to give up if I can ever overcome those.)
The pen and paper have been my best friends for a long time. (I would be lost without them to talk to.) (They are my voice and my release.) (It would be nice to be able to talk to others, but that is rare for me.)
Tis interesting that I can dance when women ask me. (If the same woman tried to talk to me I would have an anxiety attack and not be able to speak.) (On the dance floor and in bed I seem to do just fine. (I just can’t make it either place without a woman making the first move.)) (I have got relationships which possess the dimensions of emotional intimacy and a long term commitment to the relationship, but that only happens after I know there is no hope of physical intimacy happening.)-(Conversely I can deal with relationships that have only physical intimacy.) (Hopefully someday I will be able to put all three elements together in one relationship!)
It would be nice to go back to Kansas for my sister’s wedding. (Maybe my dad will send me a plane ticket.)