I haven't seen Lauren in a week. (I guess she has been busy.)
Oh yes, Carly keeps asking if my dad has sent me a Xmas present yet. (No.)-(I hope he isn’t mad at me again. (I feel bad about being such a disappointment to him! Between my phobias and not enjoying accounting, I am a total failure.)-(I suppose some would blame him for all this. (If he had been around when I was growing up, I would have turned out better; but he did what he thought was right and you can't ask more of someone.) (And, things might have been better if he had stepped in when my mom went insane; but losing her crushed him. (They were so much in love and he was so dependent on her for support that, when he lost her, he had a hard time going forward. During the years of her insanity, he withdrew into work and the bottle; and it wasn't until after her death that he began to return to living.))-(I can't get mad at him for being human.)-(And, it's resulted in an interesting journey from which I have learned much.))
(7pm) Erica stopped by and visited for a few minutes. (Neat!)
(10pm) Quiet nite. (Nice!)
1-7-88
(6am) D O let me sleep in again.
She is still sleeping on the bed. (With the electric blanket on, the bed is the warmest spot in the apartment.)
(5pm) Tis frustrating to be phobic to social and play situations, and to always be attracted to women who are extraverts and playful! (Will I ever overcome?)
Erica chewed me out for not joining the City's volleyball team. (I hope I can work up to things like that someday. (I want to!)) (I accept, consciously, that there is little threat in situations like that, but my unconscious mind still keeps sending waves of terror through my system in situations like that. (I wouldn't have this problem if my unconscious mind hadn't made all sorts of stupid connections.)-(Tis right that there is a much higher probability of finding lovers in playful situations than there is while sitting home alone, that lovers bring the potential for more pain, and it is just trying to protect me from being hurt again.)) (Oh well, one step at a time. (First I have to get used to being around people again!))
I think Erica is probably right that no one at work is interested in me, and there is nothing to worry about. (The trick is to get that understood at the unconscious level. (I have been doing the opposite of what I have learned about sexual chemistry, for as long as I can remember. (At least now I am aware of the whys and understand what is going on.))) (Still there are some very real concerns about socializing with people from work and I need to start with less threatening situations when I start working on social situations. (Another bad experience now would do more harm than I can handle.)) (Maybe I will get there someday?)