She and Gwynn both commented last nite about a little display of clumsiness I gave them. (That is why I avoid doing and saying anything sometimes. (If I remain still and quiet, the waves of emotions I am experiencing aren't noticed by others; but while they are on me, I am a terrible klutz, and if I try to do or say anything then, people notice. (After they have passed, I regain control of my muscles and mind; but during the onslaught I try to be still.))) (That is better than it once was though. (e.g., the loss of muscle control used to show through in my shaking, and people could see me experiencing anxiety attacks, even when I stayed still. (Tis nice not getting the shakes as often or as intensely!)))
Looking at it now, I think a lot of my behavior and personality is designed to keep away the experience of emotion. (Especially the more intense levels of those experiences that come with sexuality.) (And, when I am able to try, I choose settings where the risk factor is lower. (e.g., I sense there is more emotional turmoil in Hunter's way of getting women into bed first and then finding out if he likes them; than in building long term friendships, and then looking for lovers among my friends.)) (Withdrawal and avoidance defend me from experiences that I am more sensitive to and less able to handle than most people are, but the answer is in not running away. I need to make myself experience the turmoil and pain, so that I become desensitized to them, learn ways to cope with them, and eventually live a more normal existence. (I think that may always be a factor in my life; but maybe I can gain greater control and be able to do most things in time.))
Sometimes I wish I hadn't fallen in love with Erica; but it's brought me so much that is so beautiful, I have no regrets! (I know that is just a fantasy; but it has been through experiencing my feelings for her, that I have gained understanding of what is going on inside of me, and it forced me to look for tools for coping. (I am less sensitive than I once was and in greater control of my emotions; and my knowing her is part of the why! (Neat!)))
I have slept naked for over two decades; but this past year I have gotten into spending a lot of my waking time that way also. (I could be a nudist, given the right setting.) (I used to be pretty uptight about nudity; but ever since the trip to Yellowstone on shrooms with Carrie, I have been growing more and more comfortable with it.)