10-6-87
(6am) Happy birthday to me.
Carly stopped by for a bit. (I looked at her computer problem, and we had a nice visit.)
She wanted to know if I wanted to get laid for my birthday, and I told her "No."
My sexual aspect came out in bed last nite. (He thought I should have said "From who?" instead of "No.", in response to Carly's question about wanting a birthday fuck. (If he had his way, I would be fucking half the town. (Maybe that would be a good phase for me to go through though?))) (I like Ross, but maybe experiencing the guilt of an affair with Carly might be a good developmental step? (And, maybe I am totally over reacting? (I was so uptight last nite when she said that I didn't look at her, so I don't have any idea about what her eyes and body language were saying. It may well have been a rhetorical question, and I am off in fantasyland again. (She did make a point of labeling Ross as "her friend", and chose a time to come over here when Erica, Gwynn and Ross were all busy, so we weren't likely to be interrupted.))))
The time about three years ago, when Carrie talked Samantha into curing my celibacy occurred to me the other day. (That experiment was a total failure.) (Looking back, I think the why was my sexual aspect didn't come out. (My everyday self would be a lousy lay. (Analytical, uptight, insecure, non-aggressive, ….)-(My sexual aspect doesn't think at all, and seems to know exactly what to do. (Which is probably one reason why I seldom let him out. (He is really dumb, will fuck about anyone, and gets me in trouble!)))))
I noticed that Carly has misperceived me. (e.g., she kept apologizing for intruding and saying she wouldn't stay long. (She has interpreted my hermitage as not wanting to be with people. (There are moments like that, but they don't come around often or for long.)-(Mostly I love company!)-(Tis just that, for whatever reasons, I am blocked from seeking it out; and only go where I am invited. (The same is true of sex, job hunting, ….) (Why am I blocked from making first moves at anything?))-(The only difference now from the last year in Bozeman, is that there were a few people who understood that I enjoyed their company and that I have something wrong with me so I can't make first moves; and they would drop by and call to invite me to go places with them. (I think Erica understands and accepts that now, but she is a busy woman and just doesn't have much time to spare me.))-(I know that is an annoying habit of mine, and a lot of people probably misperceive me as a result; but it's a pattern of behavior that is a part of me for now.)-(I am still practicing starting conversations during soak and sweat time, and I am optimistic I can eventually get there in more threatening environments someday.))) (e.g., she thinks I am depressed a lot of the time. (I get that way sometimes, just like everyone else; but it's no longer a major problem in my life!)-(I am content and mostly happy with alone, and I think that is good. (e.g., when it comes time for me to look for a girlfriend, I will be choosing one for reasons other than desperation and loneliness.)))