Maybe my marriage would have worked out better if my ex had had more affairs? (I think what a lot of her attacks on me were about was that she had repressed that aspect of herself, and was projecting it on me. (Maybe if she hadn't repressed it and had instead accepted it, she wouldn’t have attacked me so often?)) (There is an aspect of me that craves fucking around, but it's content with fantasy. (In sexual therapy there are some ideas for dealing with that urge, through fantasy. (e.g., each partner chooses a fantasy, and they take turns acting them out together; and, if they really get into the new roles, it could satisfy the urge for another for many people, I think. (It requires accepting that aspect in oneself and in one's mate first though; and then accepting that it's okay to act it out in fantasy. (And, tis limited in that it works for urges for someone of a different personality type, but not for one’s for someone who is physically different from one's mate; and it doesn't address urges for multiple lovers.)))))
Carrie always said I was cut out to play the husband, not the fucker, and I suppose she is right.
(5pm) I suppose another reason for looking for someone who reminds me of Carrie is that I came closer to revealing my sexual aspect to her than anyone else. (And, of all my women friends, I think she came closest to revealing hers to me.)
(9pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)
10-5-87
(6am) Oh yes, I have an appointment with a shrink on Thursday.
Something odd I have noticed in my relationships with Erica and Carrie is that when I say something to Carrie, I usually say it directly, and I usually tell Erica by telling her a story; but, Erica tells me things directly, while Carrie tells me in stories. (Tis interesting.)
I can see that I need to integrate my sexual and friend aspects, but I still don't see how. (Oh well, I have to work on gaining much better control of my emotions before I ever consider magnifying them with physical intimacy.)
(7am) I suppose I could use Sharon if I really wanted a fuck, but it isn’t worth it. (She would end up feeling used and hurt, and lay more guilt trips on me. (I feel guilt so intensely, I would just as soon not do anything to trigger those feelings.)) (That fling was useful in that it assured me that my sexual aspect is still intact (There are differences from five and a half years ago, some good and some bad; but he still has the skills.); but I see nothing useful in continuing that now.)
(9am) I caught up with my pen pals again. (Neat.)
Maybe I should try to become a fucker for awhile, so I can learn to deal with my guilt feelings?
(4pm) Nice workout.
I finally did some work on the poems from the last few months. (There are still a bunch of unfinished one’s, but I put a dent in the pile anyway.)