10-4-87
(6am) I am not sure that it is possible to make the feelings I wish would go away, do so. (From what I have read, it may be genetic and a part of body chemistry. (When signals are sent out, I think my body may simply produce too much. -(e.g., everyone has a fight / flight instinct. The brain analyzes situations unconsciously, and sends out signals that release the necessary chemicals into the blood stream. (e.g., adrenaline.)) (What they have been finding is that people with phobias, for example, release too much of those chemicals, and, as a result, those people experience a reaction up around 100 times stronger than normal.))) (The ways I see for dealing with that are to train my unconscious mind to be more selective about when to send those signals, through practice; and to continue, when they are released, to flow with it and ride it out, rather than reacting. (I think exercise and keeping drug consumption down is helpful too.)) (My social problems aren’t totally the result of missing out on the maturation process. I have a body that over reacts to everything, and learning to come to terms with the strengths and weaknesses of being me is a major part of what I have to learn.) (If that is true of me, I think my choice of running whenever my flight / fight instinct is triggered is probably a good choice. (I know, in comparing my flight response to what I see in most others, it's of far greater magnitude. (e.g., in a situation where most people might do something like go to the other end of the bar for awhile, I will go home and stay there for weeks or months.)) (If my fight response is of an equally greater magnitude, I think my intuition is right to avoid them.)) (That also fits in with the perception others have of me of being overly sensitive. (Something in my body chemistry causes me to experience feelings at magnitudes far greater than most others.)) (Supposedly they are developing drugs now which will modify a person so that their body chemistry and responses are made more normal. (I don't want to go that way though. (In a lot of ways, being this way is a fucking nuisance, and the intensity of negative feelings is sometimes torture; but it's also my gift, and brings many things that are truly beautiful. (e.g., I would guess poetry might well go away with a stabiler body chemistry.)-(e.g., I would say that the positive feelings I experience are also greater in magnitude than most experience.)-(e.g., it's probably a part of why my sex drive is so high, and why I get into touching so much, and a few women thought that was a neat aspect of me.)))) (I think the answer lies in going through a process of desensitization to get to where my unconscious isn't so quick to start pushing panic buttons, and to continue practicing riding out the waves when they do hit me. (I will never be "normal", in some ways; but, with greater control, I can live a more normal existence.))
(7am) One reason I suppose I have tended to avoid Erica socially is that I don't like the emotional roller coaster ride she sends me on. (Maybe I shouldn't avoid it? Maybe I should go out of my way to trigger it, so I get practice at dealing with it all, and get desensitized?)