(11am) One thing I noticed about Leo was that, when he did get jealous and started guessing who her other lovers were, he guessed wrong. (And, the man friend of Samantha's he had become closest to and trusted the most, was the guy she had been fucking on the side most often and over the longest period of time.) (Based on his guesses, I would guess the reason was that he presumed the other lovers would be someone similar to himself. (Samantha had affairs to satisfy aspects of herself, which he didn't, so I would think it would be obvious the other lovers would be men unlike him.) (Another part of his bad guesses probably had to do with the fact that she often has the worst things to say about her lovers. (e.g., if you listened to what she said about Dan, you would never guess she spent time down on her knees sucking his cock. (I can't imagine her ever living with someone like Dan, but there may always be moments when she spends time with men like him.)))) (I don't want to give the impression that affairs are a major part of Samantha's life. (They happen, but mostly she is sexually monogamous. (She, like a lot of people I have noticed, seems to get the urge to fuck around a little in late winter / early spring, and then it dwindles off through the summer, and about this time of year she is content to be sexually monogamous again. (I think that is genetic and inborn in most people. (Dating back to the caves, when the spring was the time for mating with the strongest and most aggressive males, and then settling in for the winter to bear and raise the new babies.))))) (As with almost everything I write about, I don't think any of this is gender exclusive! (I hear all this said about and by men too!) (I think it's all part of being human, and needs to be accepted, rather than hating each other and ourselves! (That seems to be hard for most people to do though.)-(One of the hardest parts of being human shouldn't be accepting our own and other's humanness!))) (One way I see myself as unusual and different is that I can accept other's humanness fairly easily, but can't seem to accept my own. Most others seem to find it easier to accept their own humanness than that of others. (e.g., In some way Samantha is able to look inside and see that her affairs don't take anything away from her relationship with Leo, and fulfilled needs that he couldn't or wouldn't, as long as she kept them quiet. (She failed with Dan. (There were a lot of people at that party who saw her go upstairs with him, and then back down later naked, bruised and bleeding. (Even if they hadn't, it isn’t easy to explain coming home covered with bruises and cuts, her face swollen to twice it's normal size, and chunks of hair missing.))) (But, in witnessing similar things in others, she is quick to condemn them.))) (On the other hand, despite some confusion and pain, I can accept those aspects of others; but totally deny and fail to accept them in myself.)
I sometimes wonder, when I let my unconscious mind guide my writing, where it's all headed; but, somehow, I trust it. (Just keep writing down what pops into my mind, and flow with it.)
(Noon) One weird thing about being able to accept other's humanness more easily than my own, is that the way I accept theirs is to access the aspect of me that is similar, and I can relate. (e.g., I have rarely acted on it; but I have gotten the urge to fuck around in the late winter / early spring; and up until this year, I have gotten the urge to find a steady girlfriend in the fall.)-(e.g., I went to Wallace, the last two times, in early spring, and had my fling with Sharon then.)-(e.g., the two women I have lived with, I met in late summer / early fall.) (In it's earlier forms, the German tradition of Oktoberfest was a time when all marriages were null and everyone partied and fucked whomever. (Part of being human may mean needing times like that.) (I think I would have chosen to have it in April; but, for an agricultural culture, where partying comes at the end of the harvest, maybe it's better to try and change the biological clock?))