(7pm) Erica stopped by and kept me company for a bit and brought me another letter. (Neat!)
(8pm) Erica said that the fair is free tonite. (I have gotten all my chores done, but I am not up to going. (Oh well.))
She says that I am missing out on a lot by avoiding single women. (That is true, and I have had some single women who were great friends and who brought a lot of fun to my life during the last five years; but I had defenses back then that kept them from wanting to be more than friends. (Now I have gotten rid of some of those defenses and single women frighten me too much to let them close. (I will keep working on it, but who knows when or if I will ever beat this phobia.)))
She also commented that I am closing off way too many of my options, in general. (I realize that too, but there are some options that frighten me so much I simply can't cope with allowing them to be open to me now. (Maybe someday?))
She also pointed out that I bought a topper for my truck last winter so I could go camping this summer and I haven't done that. (Last winter I was optimistic about my finances being good this summer and they have turned out to be really dismal. (It wouldn't take much money to go, but right now I have to focus on survival, and playtime will have to wait.))
(10pm) I often disagree with Dr. Ruth, but I am still fascinated by all the stories
people tell her.
I wonder where I will be living six months from now? (Tis really frustrating not knowing. (So much of what I need to do now depends on having a little income and security. (e.g., I think one possible treatment option for me is to take some classes at the VoTech and practice social interaction in that environment. (That seems safer to me than a lot of other places.) (That requires having money for the class and knowing I will be here long enough to finish the classes.))) (I am still finding myself craving to set down roots someplace. (Without a job that isn’t an option.)))
Erica commented that getting that job with the Seattle publisher who called me, might also be an in for getting my writing published. (I don't think I would want to risk losing my job by showing my writing to an employer, but it would be an opportunity to learn about the industry and develop a network of contacts in the industry, which might improve my odds.)
8-26-87
(8am) Note from the ozone: Aren't most traumas (if not all) interrelated with betrayal?
One way I have been trying to loosen up lately is to do more stretching exercises.
Another way is by trying to keep my body language open during soak and sweat time at the Club. (Tis hard and I fail a lot, but I keep trying.)
I don't think Wallace is the answer to my phobia. (If I can get beyond some point and actually get into a sexual moment, I am fine. (The phobia doesn't seem to be of sex itself, but of relationships with a sexual dimension. (I have to find some way to desensitize myself to that.)-(I think the answer is to stick with celibacy, and work on the social. (The anxiety level associated with looking for lovers is beyond what I can cope with now; and trying just leads to withdrawal.))))