8-18-87
(7am) Having to twist someone's arm to get them to leave the safety of their home would be annoying, and few people have ever bothered to do it. (Which is why I end up alone. (Tis a good defense mechanism.)) (Throughout my life, when I have been like this, people generally leave me alone.) (Samantha did it because it fit her life. (She usually didn't want guys hitting on her in the bars, and dragging me along provided her with someone to help her avoid that. (Also I was someone to get her high and buy her drinks without hitting her up for sexual favors.)) (And, it kept other women away from me, which fit my needs.) (Leo was going to school and involved in three bands, and she had lots of hours to fill up.) (She seldom worked much, which also left her with plenty of time and no money.) (Twas a good deal for both of us; but it was only a matter of time until I wouldn't have fit her needs anymore, and I would have been back to alone there too.) (I rather doubt I will ever find anyone like Samantha again; and until I can twist my own arm and make myself go out to play, it's going to a pretty lonely life. (I think that in time I will begin to, but who knows?)))
(8am) Throughout my readings I have noticed that the advice they give is to leave people like me alone. (And, that seems to be most people's philosophy.) (I usually enjoy myself when someone makes the effort; but, mostly, everyone else seems to have less fun when I am around, so it isn’t fair to the others. (I am so uptight (too sensitive and self conscious), don't know how to interact, don't know how to play many games, and …; and it make the moments less spontaneous, less playful, and more like work.)) (If it helped to get me to start going out on my own it might be worth it, but all that seems to happen is I retreat again to being a hermit until the next time someone is willing to baby-sit me and drag me around.) (Until I learn how to behave and make myself do it; I suppose I can't expect companionship.)
Becoming more attractive physically still scares me, but it's pretty easy to hide the fact. (It makes me feel good, and it's something I am glad I have done.) (And, if I ever do break through, it will come in handy to already be more attractive and to have the muscles for getting involved in some play activities.)
I have been day dreaming about having lots of money, lately. (I haven't done that in a long time.) (It would be nice.) (I think I would take a couple years away from accounting, and spend time learning all the social parts of life I have ignored for so long and do some traveling.)
(9am) Going to work stoned is a problem. (I have tried it a couple times. (There are tasks I can manage to do; but I don't like it.)) (I think the problem, for me, is that I can't deal with the social interaction at work, when I am high. (I become very self conscious and uptight, and that gets in the way of dealing with the people there.)) (I really get into working at home stoned though.) (For the first hour or so after I smoke I seem to lose what little ability I have to talk. (Carrie and Samantha knew me well enough that they could tell, when they dropped by to visit, whether I was stoned or not, just by how much I talked to them.) (In "Eden express", Vonnegut says that pot aggravates schizophrenia.)) (Maybe it would help, when I am ready to work on being social, to not smoke before I go out? (Oh well, I am not ready for that, and I do love smoke.)) (I know some people who have the opposite reaction to smoke, and turn into motor mouths. (Tis interesting how different the body chemistry of people is, and how it varies over time within the same person. (Each drug seems to have a little different effect on each person who takes it, and a little different effect on the same person over time.)) (Another difference I have noticed with smoke is how it effects the libido. (For some people it's a turn off and for others it does nothing.)) (I know a combination of whisky and speed used to build a fire in my libido, but that doesn't seem to be happening anymore.)