I am not really into the idea of living in big cities again, and would prefer to stay here; but tis time to seriously consider it. (I have to find a job.) (Maybe the move would be good for me?)
My gut feeling is that a job will come along soon, but maybe I am deceiving myself?
8-17-87
(8am) I guess I should be happy that I do fit in when it's work time. (I am good at that and can cope with others then, pretty well; and I suppose that is a start.) (And, that is the time when I am able to make positive contributions to the lives of others. (It would be good if I could learn to play someday, but I am not sure it will ever happen.))
I have been craving to shoot pool lately. (Next time I have some money, I will have to find an empty bar, and shoot some with myself. (I spent a lot of my teen years, and a lot of time since, shooting pool alone; and it's something I always enjoyed.)-(I have to at least start playing by myself. (Maybe if I do it long enough I will start being able to play with others?)) (I suppose that sounds silly to most people; but maybe, if I get used to playing pool alone and get my game back up to where it wouldn't embarrass me, I will be able to face my anxiety about playing pool with other people.) (I pretty much erased shooting pool from my life four years ago. (Tis a part of life I enjoyed and it made some positive contributions (e.g., meeting people), and I think I need to find a way to return it to my life.)))
Erica says I should offer to help out with chores at social functions. (Now that she has said it, it makes sense that I should have. (Maybe I just tell myself I don't know what I should do in social settings, as a way of escaping again? (So much of what I do seems to be designed to avoid people, I am not even aware I am doing it or why.) (Maybe I didn't offer to help out because I would have to come out of the corner and interact with other people?) (Maybe I am being rude unconsciously, so people won't invite me back again?)))
(9am) Maybe when I find a job and start interacting with people there, it will help me deal with socializing? (I have changed so much in the past year; it's hard to say how I will react in the work place now.) (For most of the past eleven months, the only social interaction I have had is Erica's visits and soak and sweat time at the Club.) (I think this time alone has been good for me, and I needed it to begin to be ready to try being social again; but somewhere along the way, if my goal is to become a social being, I will have to get used to interacting.) (Work has helped me in the past to learn about socializing, and hopefully my next job will help some more. (There are lots of social settings where I am too uptight to function in; but work has been one setting where I have at least been a little comfortable, and it’s a good place for me to practice and work on desensitizing myself.)) (Even if I am never able to be social in playful settings, it's nice having the interaction and relationships I build at work.)
One problem with using poverty as an excuse for being a hermit is that some people don't buy it. (e.g., Erica) (e.g., people sometimes respond to it by coming up with ideas of cheap social events. (e.g., the square dancing idea.)) (Tis just an excuse and I know it's an excuse, but maybe I do need to just tell people either nothing or the truth?)
I still don't have the foggiest idea whether my problem with sexuality is the root cause or just another example of not being able to play. (Is avoiding sex just another way I avoid play in general; or do I avoid play, because it might lead to a sexual situation I can't deal with?)