(3pm) Nice workout.
(6pm) It has turned cool again.
(11pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)
6-18-87
(3pm) Nice walk in the rain.
(8pm) I wish father's day would hurry up and be over.
(10pm) In last nite's dream, my dad gave me $100,000. (Twas nice paying off my marriage, and being back to square one again.) (Tis depressing to face another 5-10 years of paying out all my extra money on that. (I suppose having that payment going out every month (along with hopes of playtime for me), may be part of why it's taking me so long to move on and build new relationships.))
(11pm) "20/20" previews for tonite’s show say they are going to do a spot on sexual harassment at work. (Maybe it will change my mind; but the previews indicated it will probably reinforce my opinion that you don't date, flirt, … with women at work.)
Maybe it's wrong, but I do feel safer and more comfortable in social situations, when I am with one of my women friends. (But, that is dependency; and I suppose I should be alone rather than use them.)
I wonder if Miranda is avoiding our nite on the town, because she thinks I would consider it a date? (Maybe I am wrong; but I don't think I am her type, or she mine. (I think we could become friends though, and I would like that.))
I can't give up analysis completely, as it's what puts bread on the table; but I suppose I should find some way to shut it off sometimes. (I shut it off somehow during sex and just feel; and I let go on the dance floor; but that seems to be about it.)
My dad taught me that all I had to do was study and work, and I would make lots of money; but that is obviously wrong. (If one doesn't have social and sales skills, it doesn't matter how much they know or how hard they work. (If one does have social and sales skills they will usually make money, regardless of what they know or how much they work.)) (I am not blaming him. (I chose to buy into the idea, and working and studying were places where I could hide away from life. (It has been an interesting experience.)))
I would be well off financially now, if I had stayed in Kansas in the family business, with access to my dad's social and sales skills. (If I had chosen that path, I probably wouldn't have written any more poems, and I think writing is worth the sacrifices of poverty.) (I didn't write a single poem from Dec '73, when I got married, until Dec '78, when I was alone in a motel room in Bozeman for the job interview that first brought me to Montana.)-(Then I didn't write another until June '80 when I was living alone in Billings for the summer.)-(Then not another until the divorce.) (I now accept that when I don't write poetry, there is something wrong in my life. (I wish I could have seen that earlier and ended my marriage sooner! (If I had been maturer, my marriage wouldn't have lasted a month.)))