(10pm) So far, the best new defense mechanism I have come up with is to tell women I am too afraid of Aids to be sexually involved.
Christine is still calling from the County with questions for me. (I enjoy visiting with her.) (She buys my excuse of not going out when I am broke (Lots of people buy that one.), but gives me shit about not making more money.)
I finished off the resin tonite, so tomorrow I will get to check out my dreams.
Oh yes, Sharon commented that she thought "Feelings" was funny in places. (That is a switch. (Most people say they are terribly depressing.))
(11pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)
6-9-87
(8am) I wish Carrie would send those letters. (I need something to keep me busy.)
Going out with my women friends keeps other women away by creating the illusion that I am attached, and is a defense mechanism; but platonic relationships are all I can handle, and I have had a lot of fun. (I would have had a lot more fun if I had accepted that that was what I was doing, and not felt sorry for myself because I didn't find lovers. (I am incapable of dealing with sexual relationships, and I shouldn't bitch because my behavior protects me from finding them.))
I wonder if part of why I stayed so long with my ex, had to do with her getting angry if I didn't withdraw into isolation with her? (It gave me an excuse for not facing my problems and growing, without taking responsibility for the choice.)
One problem with platonic relationships is they tend to be short. (Few people remain single for long, and many new beaus are insecure about their girlfriends spending time with another man. (And, with someone in their lives, they have the companionship needs I filled taken care of, and don't need me in their lives anymore.)) (Maybe I will get lucky and find someone like Samantha again, whose beau is busy a lot and isn't jealous of me. (Still, even Leo got jealous, and forbid her from seeing me. (That always amused me. (Twas when she was with me that she was faithful.))))
Since one of the primary reasons I go to bars to meet people is that sometimes when I drink I relax a bit and I am able to open up to others, I need to have money. (In non-music bars my only social skill is shooting pool and without money that option isn’t available to me.) (Maybe the problem with that argument is that I should be learning to do it without the help of alcohol? (Carrie and Samantha both say I should forget the bars and join classes and clubs as a way to meet women.)) (I tell myself that I used to go out broke in the past and should be able to do it now, but I can't seem to make it out the door.)
I have given up the few social things I was good at. (e.g., dancing, pool, and sex.) (What am I afraid of?)
(10am) I got a letter from Samantha today. (She is doing great. (Good for her!))
I got my check from the County today for the phone calls with Christine. (Yeah.)-(Go buy some tailor made cigs.)