5-26-87
(9am) I know there are women who aren't into having a lot of lovers in their lives, but I wonder if I would get along with someone like that? (I still feel I need to find someone who is an extravert and fun, to balance me out; and those women are seldom into long-term celibacy, and seem to enjoy a variety of lovers.)-(They also enjoy going and doing a lot, which I can't afford; so they would need other men in their lives to take care of those needs.)
(10am) In a way I am happy that Carrie is being slow to send me my letters to her. (When I get into writing I get obsessive about it. (I put in a month doing nothing but that, and I need a break.)) (Still, it will be nice when I get them and get that chore put in the past.)
I don't consider them to be commercial, but I do love writing poems! (I think I would rather write a new poem than get laid. (But, if I don't start getting laid, I am going to run out of new stories to tell.)) (I have experimented with writing sexual stories, and one’s about relationships; but there is too much fantasy in them. (Tis going to take experience if they are ever to fit closer to reality.))
Sometimes I think I should try to learn to tell stories in prose too, but I seem blocked. (Oh well.)
There is a Taoist concept about art that says void is the greatest tool of the artist. (To use the least possible number of brush strokes, and to leave a lot of the picture to be filled in by those who view it.) (Prose would mean using a lot more words than poems, and forces the reader to buy into more of what I think it's saying. (Using so few words in poems leaves more room for the reader to fill in blanks out of their own experiences.)) (Make any sense?) (I have no desire to preach or to tell people what to do or think; but I do feel it's important to raise the level of the dialogue! (Isn't that the primary function of Art?))
(1pm) It took three hours, but I got all the tobacco out of the cig butts I had been saving. (Now to start rolling it up.)
I do seem to be able to build a plausible case in defense of about anything, don't I? (I have to find some way to look behind my rationalizations to try and see what I really feel and what I really need to be doing. (So often in the past my choices have been self destructive, I can't help but wonder.))
I argue a lot about the advice Erica and Carrie give me; but it makes me think, and I often end up agreeing. (I hope they keep letting me know what their opinions are.) (I accept responsibility for all my choices; but I still need the input from my friends, to help me see the choices I have, more clearly.)
I wonder if I will ever get the craving to go out again? (One problem with learning to be alone is I am pretty content with it now. (Tis safe and easy.)) (Maybe I will have to force myself to start going out again?)
I fret that I have taken more than I have given to my friends; but maybe that is just my self-doubts talking again? (I suppose they wouldn't love me if it were too far out of balance.)
I tell myself to stay home because I am still not capable of being assertive; but maybe the only way to learn that is to get out and start interacting with others?