I suppose it’s possible to f around and still build friendships, but maybe not for me now? (The women who have been willing to f me always seem to be dependent; and the independent women I enjoy being with aren't comfortable enough around me for sexuality to happen.) (Tis interesting and puzzling; but the women I enjoy, say they think I am looking for a one man woman, which they are not, and the one's who are attracted to me are looking for a one woman man, and they don't think I am one. (?)) (There are women with whom I could find some happy times, and play, and not lose their friendship and companionship; but, as long as those women aren't attracted to me, what difference does it make? (I guess I could have one group of women for friends and companions and another group to f; but I think it's a wiser choice to continue working on change, so that I become someone the women I enjoy will enjoy!))
(4pm) Nice workout.
(9pm) Erica dropped by and we spent a few more hours working on her computer projects. Then Miranda stopped by looking for Erica, and she hung around visiting for awhile. (Neat!) (Erica brought along some whisky, and we smoked a bit, so I caught a real nice buzz tonite.) (Tis neat having two beautiful women stop by and keep me company! (How did I get so lucky?))
I love my computer and word processing! (Tis two or three times faster typing on it than on my typewriter, and the flexibility it provides makes editing a breeze.)
Isn't there some humor in that, just as I am starting to come to terms some with my romanticism, and I am getting more comfortable with the idea of fucking around; the Aids thing comes along? (By the time I finish working through it all, and can afford to date and actively chase women; it's likely to be suicidal to fuck around. (I will have to try to come to terms with going out broke and all the rest, and do it soon.)-(And overcome my conditioning so I don't feel guilty about women paying my way.))
If I do get into going out broke, I have to remember not to become a bum. (I am broke because of my choices, and others shouldn't be punished.) (Just drink water, and do the things and go the places I can afford to.) (One nice thing about sex is that, if I can find lovers, it's one of life’s pleasures that doesn't cost much. (Just the cost of rubbers. (That is one expense I would like to add to my budget.)))
I still feel that wandering alone is the best path to travel, until I can become sufficiently confident, assertive, fun, mature, independent, …; to attract the women who I enjoy being with. (Going out now will only cause women who interest me to perceive me negatively, and I would attract women who will bring me pain. (I am better off as a recluse for now.))
5-14-87
(7am) A job would be nice, but it has been nice to devote so much time to studies and writing! (It has been an extremely productive unemployment.)
(11am) Time for a typing break.