I wonder if I will ever overcome my conditioning about what a man is supposed to be? (Since I don't fit the role, I feel I am not good enough for women. (Tis probably true that I don't fit what most women are looking for in a man; but I suppose I should let women make that decision, rather than making it for them.)) (Maybe someday I will get there?)
I have been rationing myself to two beers a nite for some time now, but now it's all gone. (Back to water.)
5-12-87
(10am) Time for a typing break.
(11am) Although I look better, dress better, am more self confident, and have a better attitude than in my bar days; it's actually negative for now anyway. (I now think the odds that women would find me desirable have increased; but, until I overcome whatever it is, it just makes me withdraw.) (I am getting to the point where I think the women who have predicted that I would go from no lovers to fucking everyone, could be right; but I still am afraid of sexuality.) (Oh well, it feels good being in better shape; and if I ever overcome my problem with sexuality, I will be someone women are more likely to find desirable.)
(3pm) Time for a typing break.
(6pm) Erica dropped by for a chat. (Neat.)
Who knows why I don't like myself and withdraw? (The reassurance of others helps and part of my growth up to now has been helped along by my friends; but mostly it has to come from within!) (Tis a slow process, it seems.)
(11pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)
5-13-87
(7am) Well, I am through the newspaper, but I am not quite ready to face the computer screen quite yet.
My tan is coming along pretty good. (Neat.) (I don't do it for looks, I just really enjoy lying out in the sun and baking. (But, if I get back to going out, it won't hurt to look a little better.))
I will have to get back into reading again, now that the tv season is over.
(10am) Time for a typing break.
(1pm) Erica dropped by on her lunch hour and said hi. (Tis nice having a bit of companionship, now and then.)