I visited with an older fellow in the sauna the other day. (Per normal for two single guys, we bs'd about women and sex. (He says it surprised him a bit, but money really is a powerful aphrodisiac. (He said the more money he has the more women there are trying to drag him off to bed.) (I wonder how much of that perception is valid; and how much is simply that money makes him feel that he is more desirable? (i.e., how much of his new desirability is women chasing money, and how much of it is it that women are just responding to his increased self-confidence?))) (I have met lots of poor men who women found desirable.) (It would help me to have money; but, if I would just like myself and open up to it, I would find some lovers.) (He said it's mostly annoying though; as, now that women are finally finding him desirable, his sex drive is so low he can't enjoy it much. (If I wait for money, I will be too old to enjoy the sex too.)) (He also commented about being annoyed by having to use rubbers, and how it has taken the spontaneity and fun out of sex.) (He says he has met a lot of people who have given sex up since Aids. (Sad.)) (He also said the time to go to the Club, to meet women, is in the morning. (I did that for three months, and there are a lot more women there then; but I didn't get to know any of them. (You have to believe that women are doing the right thing by spending time with you, first!)))
I suppose finding a girlfriend who is an introvert would make for a simple life. (I am already comfortable with quiet days and nites, and she would be more likely to be content with the lifestyle that I can afford now.) (I still don't think that is the answer. (I think a girlfriend who is an extravert would be good for me, and help me to find new experiences; and, in turn, I could be good for her, and help her to find new experiences. (e.g., Erica, Carrie, and Samantha are extroverts, and they have introduced me to lots and lots of wonderful new experiences, and they have helped me in the parts of life where I am inexperienced and unskilled; and, I think, I have introduced them to some new things, in the areas where I am experienced and skilled!)) (I worry about being dependent; but the core of all social intercourse is for people to come together and help each other, and if I have helped them too, then it has been good!) (That is another reason why I don't think Sharon and I would work out. (She is mostly an introvert.)) (But, maybe this is another case of reacting to my ex? (She was an extreme introvert and didn't want anything to do with the rest of the world. (What she wanted was to just build a world of two, and shut the world out.)))
I don't mean to sound like I am feeling sorry for myself. (I am who I am and where I am as a result of my own choices, and who I am is far from bad.) (I have lots of problems and puzzles to unravel, but then who doesn't? (That is what we are here for.))
(8pm) Time for a typing break.
(10pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)
5-9-87
(8am) I am still lost as to whether to start going out again, before I am sufficiently self confident to be assertive. (I keep feeling I need to finish building a friendship with myself, before I move on to building friendships with others; but maybe I am ready to start trying, and I am just deceiving myself again?)
(9am) Laundry time again.
(1pm) Time for a typing break.