Erica is still giving me shit about cigs. (I believe, in time, I will come to like myself enough to quit, but I am not there yet. (And, for now, I think it's better to smoke:
1. Quitting and failing just makes me like myself less.
2. I am less comfortable in bars when I quit; and, I think, for now, I need to be as comfortable as possible there.
3. If I do find a non-smoking lover, I don't seem to have too much trouble cutting back on my consumption for a few hours, and, when the setting becomes romantic, I can wash off part of the smell and brush my teeth first.
4. Meeting women in bars means meeting a lot of women who smoke. (There are even some women who are turned on by the smell of tobacco.)
5. There are more important problems, I feel, that need to be dealt with first.)
(9am) Now I am waiting for my food stamp appointment.
Erica says no one is going to welcome me until I welcome myself. (True.) (Same with liking and loving.) (That is why I keep feeling I need to stay alone until I do.)
She also says I have to overcome my self-pity. (I am not sure that is the best word for it. (Maybe self-hate is better?)) (I realize that I am my own worst enemy, and that I will have to find the strength within to solve my own problems.)
(10am) Well, back to the typing.
(Noon) Erica called and visited for a minute.
She says that the way I am behaving, I am going to ruin my social life. (What is a social life? (And, how can I ruin something I don't have?))
I suppose part of why I am not good at games now is that in Jr. and Sr. high schools I managed to get out of Phys Ed most of the time. (And when I didn't, I usually only had to do the exercises.) (I was the equipment manager for most of the teams, and I spent Phys Ed class doing the coaches chores.) (As my sister once commented, I have used the defense of withdrawal for a long time.)
The reason I learned how to play pool fairly well is that my dad had a table in the basement. (Nites and weekends during my school years I would go down in the basement and play by myself.) (Shooting pool alone instead of building a social life is probably why I don't possess many social skills now.)
Another advantage of long-term celibacy is that I seem to appreciate sex more. (After eight and a half years of non-stop sex, I was beginning to take it for granted.)
(1pm) I am who I am because of the choices I have made, and who I am now has both good and bad aspects. (What is relevant now are the choices to be made today and tomorrow.) (I have to build upon my current strengths, and try and develop new skills were I am know weak!) (Eventually I will have to get out and interact with others in order to develop social skills; but I still feel I need to like myself first!)
(2pm) Tis sun tanning time again. (All of a sudden, the park is packed with beautiful women doing the same.) (Girl watching heaven!)