Carrie's comment on Aids is one reason for staying here. (I think I need to go through a time of several lovers, on the way to finding a girlfriend; and the risks are lower here.)
Carrie says it's good I am being honest with Erica. (I think she is probably right. (It has brought me some extra guilt, and I worry about harming my friendship with her. (I know she and I won't be more than friends, but I cherish the times we spend together and I would be sad if I lost that!)))
I decided not to bother getting a fishing license this year. (Last year I spent a $100 on fishing gear and a license and wasn't able to deal with going, and I don't feel any more able to deal with that part of life than then. (And, this summer is going to be really busy, with all my writing projects!))
(4pm) Nice workout.
(10pm) Erica dropped by and I helped her some more with her computer projects. (That was fun.)
She brought me a couple books by John Updike awhile back. (I enjoy his writing. (I have
read "Rabbit is rich" and I am now into "Witches of Eastwick." (I ran
across a quote last nite that sort of fits in with the discussion Carrie and I had about
jealousy: "Marriage is like two people locked up with one lesson to read, over and
over, until the words become madness." (Trying to build a world of only two and
locking out all others is a lot like that. (I know that each of the women in my life
contributes different things, and to limit myself to only one woman would be to limit who
I can be!)-(I think to limit oneself to just one other in all areas of life is to deny
oneself the potential to grow into the best person they can be, and will eventually either
destroy the relationship or the people in it!) (
Tom Robbins commented that when a relationship begins,
it begins with the creation of magic, and that the reason relationships die is that the
people use up that initial magic without making more. (One way to burn that magic up
really fast and to keep the couple from making more is jealousy!))))))
4-18-87
(8am) Maybe loving Erica was just a defense mechanism, but it sure brought me to make a lot of changes. (e.g.:
1. When I moved here I invested my extra money into fixing up my home, thinking that if it were nicer, she might drop by more often. ((I can't complain. It didn't work, but I enjoy my home a lot more.))
2. When I have quit cigs it was in the hopes that it might bring me more time with her. (I can't complain. (It didn't work, but it hasn't hurt me to have a few breaks from them. (The funny part of that one is that I would quit, then I would see her and feel guilty about why I had quit, and go buy another pack.))
3. I have structured my life around getting what little time I can get with her. (It means not having friends or lovers, and staying home so I will be where she can find me, if she wants to, and where she can easily avoid me, if she wants to. (I can't complain. (Time alone has given me time to study, to improve my work skills, to learn to enjoy my own company, to write, I have been able to channel more of my extra money into paying off my marriage debts, I am healthier as a result of eating well and drinking less alcohol, ….)-(I am a better and stronger man as a result of my hermitage!)))