The days have started to blur together a bit.
I think I will stay home again on New Years Eve. (Last year was the first time I had been alone on New Years Eve, and it really bothered me to be alone. (Practice doing it alone until I am happy about it.))
(11pm) I suppose another part of why I don't go out is that I am not able to deal with intimacy. (By not going out I eliminate all possibility of it happening.)-(And if I am not into playing the games, is there any purpose to it?) (Maybe someday I will be ready to be a player, but for now it's time for solitude.)
12-21-86
(2am) Tiredness.
(11am) Well I was too drunk to be horny last nite. (Nice. (Needing to scratch that itch all the time gets annoying.))
One nice thing about my pen pals is I can say anything to them, anytime I want, and they can fit me into their lives whenever they want to. (And, while writing fills up a lot of time for me, reading doesn't take long. (e.g., it only takes a few minutes to read one of these pages, but it takes me an hour to fill it up.))
I suppose part of my behavior now is tied in with being dependent. (Right now I am dependent on loans from my dad to survive, and have to keep him pleased in order to avoid ending up on the street. (My current behavior fits his opinion of what I should be doing. (He feels I should be sitting home alone. (The old "no pay, no play" concept he laid on me for years and years.)))) (It would be nice to find a job, so I could stop worrying about pleasing him.)
If I had had a little money, I don't think I would have gone out last nite. (I would have taken myself out to dinner and a movie; but my mood was so bleak that going to the bars would have been pointless. (On the other hand, maybe, if I had money, my mood wouldn't have been so bleak.))
I did do some work last nite on the seven poems I have started now. (Neat.)
(1pm) I have had my stereo for a year now. (I do enjoy it a lot.) (I hope I don't end up losing everything during this unemployment. (Even if I do, I will survive.))
(4pm) I am lazy again today, so I am canceling today’s walk.
(6pm) Erica dropped by to visit. (Nice.)
Hearing all the gossip about the grief sex causes people makes being a hermit seem nice.
I don't see much to be optimistic about in the economy.
Maybe Church and State try to focus people's attention on worrying about who is sleeping with whom, to keep us from wondering why they are sleeping together?