(8pm) Maybe rather than "lieing" to me about why I am undesirable to them, women just aren't aware of what it is? (The unconscious mind seems to have more to do with that than the conscious mind, so it may be a waste of time to ask for a conscious analysis of what the unconscious is doing.)
(11pm) Today I worked out, studied and walked.
Erica stopped by. (She dropped off some more albums for me to tape, and bs'd for awhile.) (She thinks I am walking too much and that I shouldn't worry about losing weight. (I know lots of guys find lovers without getting in shape; but, given my fear and lack of skill at seduction, maybe it will compensate a little?)
How do I learn seduction?
How do I get my nonverbal behavior to become congruent with the goal of finding lovers?
Erica also commented that maybe I was being too picky. (I have heard that a lot.) (What is the point in lovers who don't interest me?) (I fall in lust with most of the women I meet.) (?)
How does one behave on a "date"? (I think I would just try to build a new friendship and not try to get laid, but maybe that is wrong? (Women say they are offended by aggressive men, but maybe they are more offended by non-aggressive one’s? (The aggressive men at least make her feel desirable. (I know being undesirable makes me feel bad.)))) (?)
On changing: I look at it as a way to possibly overcome part of my undesirability; but telling women that is probably counter productive. (I need to tell them something with a more positive tone, like it's to become a better lover. (e.g., walking helps me to lose weight, which may make me more desirable, but I should tell women it's to build endurance for lovemaking.)) (?) (A related change in attitude is to stop looking at why I am undesirable and look for models of desirable behavior to copy.)
I am still torn about whether to look for a job with growth potential or look for another dead end one. (Until I figure out how to get laid regularly it would be hard to find time to study that and work a growth job; and it would cut back on my writing time.) (I suppose it's bad of me, but my income does seem to depend upon whether I have a lover or not. (When I don't, most of my energy is focused on finding love.))
Perception: My sexual fantasies seem to tie into current experience. (e.g., the women I fantasize about have changed to women here, since my move; and I almost never fantasize about the women I used to dream about in Bozeman. (Except for Carrie.))
10-28-86
(4am) Quiet nite of reading and tv.
(6pm) Nice walk.
I checked the university library and they have nothing there on seduction. (How am I going to learn about it?)
(11pm) Quiet nite of tv and reading.